Navigating My Haram Relationship During Ramadan Sucks

Ramadan is the time of the year where you try to cut down on your sins and you try to mend your relationship with god, for me personally I try my absolute best to do everything I can. This year is a little different because for the first time during Ramadan I have a significant other. Yes I’ve had crushes and was in the talking stage during Ramadan a few times but I didn’t have the same emotional connection that comes with having a significant other. Taking a break is an option, yes but I don’t know if it’s the ideal option considering my friends call me “Simpo”.

It’s very hard not to simp when your definition of simping is appreciating your partner. It’s also hard to try to accustom yourself with a relationship when this is your first serious relationship, especially at a time like this. Balancing a haram relationship during a global pandemic while struggling with your mental health sucks. When you have an emotional connection or bond with someone it’s hard to avoid the nature of your relationship, whether it’s physical or not; when you’re used to complimenting someone innocently about their hair it’s hard not to feel guilt when you know that the nature of what you’re doing is in and of itself “sinful”. 

Another thing is that you mainly have to avoid touch as well; when you’re in a relationship sometimes you want physical  comfort. Oftentimes it’s hard to have to put your emotional needs aside to prioritize your spiritual duty. Even though you might be okay with it you have to also think about your partner because they might be struggling with their faith and are trying to rebuild it. You might discuss this with your partner but it’s a slippery slope when you’re trying not to compromise each other’s faith. It’s easy to sacrifice things for your partner when you don’t understand the cost of what you’re doing because you only know the cost of it when you’ve done it – whether or not it’s sexual. There is also the idea that your partner might not be okay with it even when you are so they might compromise their ideals without telling you. 

Another thing is that I’m worried about being emotionally withdrawn unintentionally due to the fact that I feel guilt regarding the fact that I am speaking to a person that I have an emotional connection with in a supposedly sinful nature. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my partner but and I understand that it’s not ideal if I only cleanse myself of my sins in Ramadan but there also this ideal that this is the holiest month of the year and I failed to rid myself of my sinful behavior. 

Whilst yes, I decided that taking a break isn’t ideal, it also won’t be beneficial for either one of us and it’s also pretty counterintuitive in my case (what works for me might not work for you and what works for you might not work for me). It sucks having to navigate a haram relationship during Ramadan as a mostly religious Muslim and it’s honestly quite hard but we will find our ways to cope and to deal with it. Hopefully.

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