“I Don’t Think I Can Orgasm” is the Product of a Patriarchal Lie, Because You Can

By: Rawan

Disclaimer: This article is in no way, shape, or form encouraging anyone to have sex or indulge in self-pleasure. Read that again, please. This article is meant to help you understand that women can orgasm, and that’s a scientific fact. If you partake in sexual acts, that’s your choice. The only reason we do these articles is for everyone who does to be reminded to stay safe and everyone who doesn’t be aware of how they can be safe when they do have sex, whenever that is according to their morality/beliefs/religion.

Sexuality is an ambiguous concept, it’s one we hardly understand let alone speak about. As girls, we grow up swallowing little pills which make us believe that our sexuality and pleasure are unimportant – we come second and never first. Our pleasure is more often than not neglected and overlooked, we are seen as means for pleasure, rather than those deserving of reciprocated pleasure. Eve was made from Adam, for Adam.

Men’s sexual satisfaction is one that leads to ejaculation and subsequently procreation, but women’s sexual satisfaction is something purely for the enjoyment of women. However, the patriarchy has normalised men having sex for pleasure. In fact, it is so normalised that some men have turned into sexual animals, but women on the other hand are demonised for enjoying sex and are expected to only have sex with the idea of bearing babies. 

When we are taught from a very young age to close our legs because it’s “3eib”, but it’s also somehow “3eib” to not want to be kissed by the creepy uncle who attends family gatherings once a year.

Growing up, your sexuality develops in different ways and you’re probably stuck in this soggy space where you don’t fully understand your body which is part of being a teenager. But, ladies, if you think you cannot orgasm, well, this is the biggest lie you’ve ever been fed. Please, take that bullshit and throw it in the nearest bin because I think you’d be surprised when you find out what your body is capable of, and all the shades of pleasure you can have (and receive). 

Here is what could be happening if you think you can’t orgasm. It could be one thing, it could be a combination of different things, but either way, you’d want to experiment and figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. You need to be patient and willing to explore your own body, there is no: “one size fits all”. 

#1 You’re anxious

I have to start with this, because your anxiety can pretty much impact everything else on this list. It’s completely understandable to be anxious while beginning to explore your body sexually, you’re entering a new territory in a sense, but your body is your battlefield so don’t be shy and try to relax mentally. Don’t pressure yourself to reach something, but try to let your body flow, and allow it to guide you (and/or your partner). Try to not be in a position which adds to your anxiety i.e. in a place you do not feel comfortable, or while you’re scared someone will walk in on you. At least, in the exploration phase. Take things at your own pace.

#2 You need more lubrication

Lube makes our genitals to be erotically sensitive, so increases your likability of an orgasm. I understand that it might be super difficult to purchase lube so if you don’t have access to lube don’t worry I got you.

Alternative to lube:

Aloe Vera –  it’s a water based lubricant so it will not dry out your skin, however check that aloe vera you’re using isn’t mixed with other chemicals such as alcohol.

Please DO NOT USE:

  1. Vaseline as it may trigger an infection. It’s also for external use only. 
  1. Lotion or soap only fuck knows what’s in them from fragrances to perservatives, they may cause an inflammation, or an infection and will definetly vex your genitals.
  1. Spit I know it’s super tempting, and sounds like it makes sense but it could trigger an infection, or may be the reason you transmit/receive an STI/STD.
  1. Baby oil can result in poisoning or an infection.

#3 Your muscles are too relaxed

You’re probably asking yourself what am I on about? Everyone always says relax your body, right? “Just relax”, but you actually need muscle tension for an orgasm. You know when you’re sitting down, you cross your legs and squeeze your thighs tightly together and you feel a little tingly pleasure? Well, that’s called syntribation. Shocking I know, it has a name! Guess what you’re doing here? You’re tensing your muscles. Most women experience orgasms by tensing their pelvic muscles; your thighs, abdomen and buttokcs.

#4 You’re overwhelming yourself/you’re relying on porn

You may be overwhelming yourself with stimulation which does not feel good for you. The porn industry has produced an unrealistic image of what pleasure looks like and how its achieved, when in reality not all women enjoy hard, rough and fast. Sometimes, you need to take it slow and be gentle, because reaching orgasms is dependent on your nervous system and stimulating your nerves right. 

#5 FOREPLAY

Again, thanks to the porn industry people think that sexaul activities are basically: “hey lemme put that in”, but there is a lot that goes on before that, from kissing, fingering, grabbing and so on and that actually stimulates your body and erogenous zones, plus extra lubrication. 

#6 Use your imagination

You need to get to know your own body, and be able to fantasize. So, go ahead and masturbate, see what you like, and what you’d like done to your body, that makes you so much more likely to be creative in bed increasing your chances of climaxing.

#7 You’re not communicating

If you’re engaging in sexual activity with a partner you need to tell them what you like, and you need to tell them if something is turning you off. They are not psychic. They are not mind readers. Move their hands exactly to where you want them to be, one touch could make such a difference.

#8 Medications

Some medications tend to have side-effects that reduce your libido such as antidepressants, birth control pills and blood pressure medications, and makes it harder for you to get wet (or self-lubricate) and that’s why it’s nice to have lots of lubricant. You may try switching to an alternative medication, if that’s a topic you feel comfortable and safe bring up with your physician.

#9 You’re not hydrated

Water does wonders for our bodies, stay hydrated throughout the day girls.

#10 Hormones

Your oxytocin levels may be too low. Oxytocin AKA the “love” or “cuddle” hormone; is a hormone secreted from the pituitary gland in response during intimacy or labour, and it can play a huge role in climaxing, foreplay can increase your oxytocin levels, and if you’re stressed your body is less likely to secrete oxytocin.

#11 You’re scared

A lot of us put on a facade of strength and control, and we are scared of losing that dominance when in the bedroom. It’s okay to let go and be dominated. You won’t lose complete control over your body but rather you’re allowing your body to stay in the moment, and to go with that flow.

So, ladies go put on some sexy lingerie, set the mood and indulge if you so wish.

Love, 

Rawan x

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