Why Are You Constantly Chasing After Damaged People When You Always End Up Heartbroken?

By: Lina El Saie

Why do all my relationships leave me drained? Is that something you often ask yourself? Well maybe you’re constantly going after people who aren’t worth your effort. The cliche saying of “oh they’re not worth it, you’re deserve better” rings true. You’ll find it hard to believe though because well, you love them. It’s hard to admit, but sometimes people aren’t worth your efforts because they just don’t appreciate these efforts nor do they want them. Going after damaged people is tough, because well, you can’t help a person unless they want to be helped.

In these relationships the person who tries to “help” the person they’re with is usually referred to as the “rescuer”. Now what the rescuer does is they put their partner- the damaged person- as the first and foremost priority, because why wouldn’t the rescuer do that it’s going great but then the partner or as some people like to call them the “wounded soul” reveals themselves to be emotionally volatile, aggressive, unstable, unhappy or unable to cope with their own life. Oftentimes these individuals are struggling with mental health issues and because the rescuer really really values the relationship and the person they just stick around no matter how bad it gets. 

Now the first thing you should do after you recognize a pattern is- please and i cannot stress this enough, do not go too hard on yourself saying stuff like: oh why did i do that? How did I not see the red flags? It’s easy to ignore red flags when you love someone, but it’s not your fault emotions are weird. Now the second thing you should do is identify why you end up chasing damaged people, now there are several reasons but they aren’t definitive. One of the reasons could be that you come from a family where you often felt the need to take care of your siblings and/or parents, maybe you’re not trying to help them, maybe you’re trying to change them and often to the fixer in this situation views love as work- and I hate to say this- but they also see love as suffering. 

Now that you have recognized that the problem exists and why it might exist let’s check the behaviors that might lead you to fall for damaged people. Again there aren’t the definitive, right on the nose behaviors that might lead to you falling for damaged people. Okay so let’s dive into these behaviors starting with constantly having the need- and I say need like NEED- to be in a relationship to be happy; now this need to be in a relationship to be happy is going to more often than not lead you to end up in unhealthy relationships.

Another behavior that leads to you falling for damaged people is constantly underestimating your worth and being insecure. So hear me out, when you’re insecure you don’t exactly think you’re worth being treated the way you should be treated so you accept the mistreatment thing that you’re deserving of the mistreatment that you’re subjected to. This behavior/habit will subject you to loads of mistreatment in your life and recognizing that and trying to combat it will help you so much more than you could ever imagine. If you are able to recognize these behaviors, whether they are the ones on this non-definitive list or ones that aren’t stated above it is important to know that this won’t happen overnight; you need to take your time to heal. 

You need to remember that you can’t help people unless they want to be helped. A person needs to be accepting of the help that you’re trying to offer otherwise you’re crossing the fine line between helping someone and changing them. Even if a person wants to change it’s not your job to change a person, you could have a savior complex- a psychological complex that makes you feel like you need to be the savior. It’s important to identify why you want to change people because it allows you to better understand why you want to change people. It’s draining to be in a relationship with a person that you’re constantly trying to change, even if they want to change that’s something they do on their own. You can support them or help them sometimes, but never and I mean never go into a relationship with the intent of changing them, ever. 

Do not and I mean do not go into a relationship without completely healing from the prior heartbreak and I cannot stress this enough but you need to be sure that you know that this, this is the person you want to be in a relationship with. After making sure that this is the person you want to be with- without changing them- make sure that they are ready to be with someone. Relationships are so much more than hey I like you and we’ll talk for a bit then we’ll start dating, you’ll be my top priority and then we’ll be madly in love and we’ll stay together forever and we’ll get married. Relationships can go many different ways and the truth of it all is that it isn’t something we can go back and change or something we can attribute to only one thing, but we can learn from it and understand why these things happen to us. It’s not easy to recognize that you’re with a damaged person or you are a damaged person and it’ll take a boat load of time to recognize it and to fix the problem but it’ll save your ass in the future. 

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