PSA: Sex Doesn’t Happen To Women

By: Aliah

Disclaimer: This article is in no way, shape, or form encouraging anyone to have sex. Read that again, please. This article is meant to help you understand that sex does not happen to women, but rather with women. If you partake in sexual acts, that’s your choice. The only reason we do these articles is for everyone who does to be reminded to stay safe and everyone who doesn’t be aware of how they can be safe when they do have sex, whenever that is according to their morality/beliefs/religion.

Sex in a loving relationship is a way to feel more connected by being vulnerable and intimate with your partner; an opportunity to be passionate and to please the one you love. Sex with a friend or a person you respect can be a fun release that is flirty and playful. Sex is not an act done by a man to a woman. Sex is a mutual act. It involved both parties. However, men have decided that women are not part of intercourse, not an active one anyway, they should just lie down and take it because women are their property and they’re owed neither respect nor pleasure.

The way the porn industry is shaped encourages men to see and fantasize about women’s physicality, how they use their bodies for the pleasure of the other party yet the women within these films are very rarely appreciated. We hear nothing about their personality or intellect, hell not even their pleasure, just faked sounds of faked pleasure to abate men’s egos on screen and off screen. They lose the privilege of being a person and become objectified and sexualized regardless if they are doing sex work or have quit; a prime example of this would be Mia Khalifa. A woman who has stood up to the porn industry after being continuously hated on, demeaned, and humiliated. Mia Khalifa who is the Arab region’s most hated woman, but also the most lusted after. The same woman, who is currently auctioning her infamous glasses and donating proceeds to the Lebanese Red Cross. So far, their price is 100,000 dollars, and going up.

In porn, you see a submissive body or a flirtatious woman who pleases a man. As soon as they finish they can close the tab and be satisfied. This is often carried into real life when men treat women, not as a person with feelings and a personality, but an ass or a body they want to fuck. And as a result, it is not uncommon that men do not see sex as an intimate act with a partner; instead they see it as smashing some hot chick and “closing the tab” as soon as they are satisfied. Giving their female partner neither respect nor returned pleasure, sometimes even hurting her.

For people who meet up to have sex the day they match on tinder, there is no care or feelings for this stranger as they do not know the person, and in this scenario, it is understandable for people to put their own needs first, as all this person is to them is someone to have sex with – that doesn’t mean you do not return the physical pleasure, you just don’t quite care for the emotional intimacy. That is essentially what people sign up for with one night stands, and as long as both parties agree to this, there’s no harm. However, this same objectification and selfishness are often carried into relationships.

As women exposing ourselves to men sexually is scary, fuck the risk of getting pregnant if we’re having premarital sex, we risk death. If a woman is not a virgin in the Arab region, she deserves to die. She will die, actually, as per our infamous and innumerable honor killings. Just the language that is used to describe sex, showcases how messed up it is. Words like ‘smash’ and ‘bang’ have such violent and impersonal connotations to the point where it just seems as if sex is not an activity between two people, but a release for one.

Women, we need to take our power back when it comes to sex. Foreplay is for you. If it doesn’t happen, if your partner is not putting in effort in your pleasure, walk out. If your partner is doing something that’s making you uncomfortable, walk out. If your partner is refusing to give you the pleasure you deserve, walk out. If your partner is not stopping when you try to push him away, walk the fuck out. If your partner is not giving you orgasms and going down on his knees to worship you, walk out. Sex does not happen to us. We are not objects. (The fact that we’re still pointing out we’re not objects is degrading). We are human. We deserve to have a shared experience of mutual respect, compassion, and pleasure. Here on out, if one of those is missing, we’re not going through.

In many cultures, men are praised for fucking as many girls as possible, which encourages men to treat women as an accomplishment or challenge to overcome, rather than a person to connect with. Many men only have male friends and without a platonic relationship with a female their age who is feminist and that they treat with respect, and the language that their friends use to describe women, the result turns into them thinking an interaction with a female is only to get into a relationship or have sex. Kids should be encouraged from a young age to interact with and have friends of both genders so that when they grow up they can respect and appreciate that women have more to offer than a body and when they do offer their body, it is a privilege, not a right.

Another thing that needs to change is an internal issue, in the same way, women have a degrading dialogue within their groups, men have the same issue. The objectification of women is clear as every potential girl is met with “is she a peng ting”, this not only shames the men into not revealing his true intentions (implies the person only wants to fuck and would be laughed at for having feelings) but it allows for him to internalize that a girl must be conventionally attractive to even be considered fuck-able, completely ignoring the fact that this pretty girl may not even want this man. If a man indicates that he wants a relationship, he becomes a simp and then gets pestered to reveal his sexual encounters with said girl, further emphasizing that he should partake in such an encounter, leading to the female being demeaned, all for his fragile ego and not wanting to go against ‘the bois’.

Very rarely do we hear about the female aspect of sex. It has always been assumed than men want it more than women and women give men sex, but that’s not the case, and it never has been. The main reason as to why women aren’t as upfront about sexual matters is due to the stigma we as a society have created. Women are seen as perfect, pure, and holy; talking about such ‘dirty’ matters, taints them, and this fear of being ostracized, judged, and shamed forces women into silence. A prime example is how when girls experiment with masturbation they are unable to discuss it at all, boys on the other hand can and often joke and share their masturbation stories with no judgment passed, being met with laughs and people shouting “same” as they begin a similar story.

We need to stop treating sex as if it is gendered, sex is not for men, sex is for everyone. Women should be encouraged to express and experiment with their own sexuality the same way men do, not only will this lead to more enjoyable sex for both but it allows girls to take control of their life and their needs. It takes both men and women for hookup culture to occur, so if someone has a problem with that, they should take it up with both genders (or preferably mind their own business). Women engage in sex for the same reason men do, for pleasure. Women want to climax and orgasm just as much as men do, and therefore, sex is not and should never just be, for the man to do until he is satisfied. Although sex education may teach you many facts you can’t use, like how many nerves are in your genitals, it often fails to teach men and women about each other. Boys and girls are taken into different rooms to learn about their bodies but not the bodies of their counterparts. This is also problematic as a generation of young men is being taught how to have sex via porn, which as mentioned before, heavily focuses on the man’s pleasure and “right” to the female body.

The number of times I have gone to a party and have watched men get with multiple girls in one night is shocking, some have listed on their phones, ‘fap folders’ and group chats dedicated to sexualizing the fuck out of their female friends. These are the same men that will hold a proper conversation with me and act as if they are interested, yet knew from the start the only thing they were interested in was getting in my pants. When a female does the same she is immediately branded as ‘easy’, someone who goes around a lot completely ignoring the fact that women enjoy sex too. If we are going to accept and enable one side the other should be treated just as fairly. This method of obtaining sex however needs to still abide by basic ethics such as consent, safety, and more importantly, communication. Ask your potential partner what they feel about sex, whether they view it as a one night stand or an intimate act. This simple clarification can save a lot of trouble, no broken hearts, and no objectification. It’s not hard to have a little conversation before you get into it, treat the other person as if they are a person, and understand that what they are doing right now is not for you and your pleasure but it is for theirs too. Sex is a shared act, let’s treat it that way.

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