Quarantine Diaries #6 – Ektashaft That I’m the Person Who Complains About Being Single but Pushes People Away 24/7

By: Zeina El Mofty

If you’re a part of the minority of people who have read my very first articles, you’d know that I’m not a very lovey-dovey person. You’d also know that I have minimal experience, and I still do. There’s only one thing that has changed though. All my life I’ve documented how happy I am the way I am, right now however, I don’t necessarily do that. 

What changed is that I hopped on the “I’m single, please gawezoony Asser Yassin Trend”. I relate to all the memes and tweets and I mock myself for being single. I absolutely love to joke about it and to laugh about it as though it’s something I’m waiting so desperately to change. But then what happens is that I don’t exactly welcome any approach of interest in me with open arms.

What does that even mean?

Stay with me so you wouldn’t get too lost in the tornado of a thought-line I’m about to expose. 

So basically being single is more than just boring and lonely. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I’m a people person. I love communicating and sharing and being around people and so the thought of having this one person to do so with sounds very very convenient. But then again, cringy? Urgh this is messy. 

I’ll try to look from a different angle.

So you know how social media gives false expectations for everything, including relationships? Well I am highkey aware of that, and I also highkey find a lot of relationships portrayed on social media rather cringe-worthy, but why the hell do I lowkey like and want it? It doesn’t make sense.

I say I want it and I know I do but why don’t I? 

Is it that: 

  1. I misinterpret what I want?
  2. I know what I want but am being a coward?
  3. I want it because I don’t have it, not because I actually want it?
  4. I’m just joking around about it but I don’t really care?
  5. I do want it, period.

I’m honestly stuck and what it is, is not at all clear. I don’t even know if I’m making sense or if I’m making this whole thing a thing out of nothing. 

Okay yes, I’m making a big deal out of something that’s not- my specialty. 

The good thing about making something out of nothing though is that you eventually reach a conclusion and build this unnecessary discussion to an extent that you write an extremely unstructured article about it.

And a conclusion you get.

The conclusion is that yes, deep down I do desire it. I do not enjoy being single. But it’s not a necessity, it’s not a big deal but I’ll keep joking about it as if it is. Maybe it’s not the time. Or maybe it is? What I know is that when I joke about it, I’m actually joking not embracing some sort of dark humor. And when it happens I vow to myself not to be cheesy because if I am I’d gag all the time. The reason I may reject potential approaches is very likely because of a gut feeling of it not being right, with a hint of trust issues (we all have that tho don’t @ me). But I’m sure that it’ll eventually feel right and until then, I’m good. 

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