Dear ex-lover? Ex-friend? Stranger?
You always did leave me asking too many questions and not receiving anywhere near enough answers. There’s so much to say and so few words to express my feelings. At the same time, there doesn’t seem to be a point in saying them because we both know it won’t change anything. But it still needs to be said for me. For once, it’s gonna be about me.
With you, I was at my highest. Your aura captivated me. You made me feel safe and wanted. You made me want to be vulnerable and break down every defensive barrier I’d spent forever building. You held me like I was completely and unashamedly yours. You really did make me feel like I was changing your life for the better. You were so good to me…until you weren’t.
With you, I was at my lowest. I saw myself fall apart. You left my heart battered and bruised just when it was finally starting to beat. I’ve lost count of how many times I’d lie in bed waiting for your reply. Or turning my phone over the minute I woke up hoping to see your name flash on my screen. But disappointment was all that came. For the longest time, I thought it was me. Maybe if I changed, then you’d accept me. If I changed, maybe then you’d love me.
Without you, I was bitter. An addict without a drug. I’d see you every day, smiling at your next victim. While I was broken, hiding in the shadows, with nothing but invisible scars as a reminder of what was once there. It hurt when I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t. It hurt when I remembered you didn’t feel the same way. It hurt when I realized it was all fake. I hated when I cried while thinking of you, knowing you hadn’t shed a tear for me. I hated how much I depended on you. I hated feeling weak. Alone and angry; I was a woman scorned.
Without you, I was better. With time I realized that in order to find myself, I had to lose myself. Because of you, I learned to apologize. I’m sorry that I was so stupid that I let you bring my self-esteem down. I’m sorry that I loved you more than I loved myself. Because of you, I learned how suffering transforms us. Thank you for making realize that the flaws you made fun of are the ones that I now admire. Thank you for teaching me to be careful about who I choose to give my heart to. Thank you for showing me just how important loyalty is. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for showing me what I truly deserve.
As cliche as it sounds, time really did heal all. And with it, I grew. Pain is a great teacher, but the lessons didn’t come easily. It took countless tears and a journey through trauma to realize that I mattered. As humans, we all hurt. We all walk through our own form of hell. Don’t let yourself come out of it empty-handed. Don’t let your suffering be in vain. Survive, heal, grow, and thrive.