I was riding an Uber to Maadi a couple of weeks ago, excited to see my friends as I haven’t seen them for a long time, and one thing you should know about me is that when I’m excited – I talk. Like, no, I talk. So, my driver was in his early twenties and we struck up a conversation (which isn’t something I often do), and one topic led to another and I found myself arguing with him about why I really don’t think marriage is for everyone, because I know it isn’t for me, you know? He sputtered as if I shatamto bi ommo masalan then blurted out: “ommal lamma tekbary w teb2y 3ayza the sex hate3mely eh?” Needless to say, I laughed, told him to pull over, suggested a book and hopped out of the car.
For some odd reason, I’ve somehow become the resident sex-ed expert, so we’re about to debunk some major myths surrounding the female libido, teenhood, and being a goddamn woman. First off, I’d like to tell the patriarchy to fuck off because they’ve sexualized our bodies while forbidding us from being sexual. Second, I’d like to ask every teenager with preconceived notions about sex to go watch Come Curious via Youtube or listen to their podcast F*cks Given, for starters, since I know none of you will read shit. Third, I’d like to ask every parent to quit letting this sexist, misogynistic, oppressive culture that’s rampant with violence (especially towards women), to take up their damn parenting responsibilities and sexually educate themselves FIRST then their kids. Having sex doesn’t mean you know shit about sex, yeah? Anyway, here goes:
1. Boys have a higher libido than girls
let’s define “libido” first, ok? Libido translates to sex drive. Wanna know something cool? Sex drives fluctuate. Anxiety, exercise, food, foreplay (or lacktherof in our case) and a million other things contribute to the increase or decrease of your libido. That being said, boys don’t have a higher sex drive than girls, girls – in our culture mostly – are forced at a very young age to suppress their “deviant” urges. As if it’s okay for a boy to be sexual but not for a girl, because of shitty backwards ideas revolving around honor but truly being about the male ego. We’re taught to just lay there and take it, we’re taught that sex should be painful or at least a chore, something we shouldn’t be interested in because it’s a “duty to your husband” and the only thing you’re allowed to like about it is pregnancy, or it being the process through which you become a mother. I could go into marital rape and premature ejaculation and a myriad of other sexual issues because men are shit with it, but I’ll leave that for another rant.
2. Girls have orgasms less frequently than boys
ehem, we have multiple orgasms, actually the record is somewhere in the 30s (over the course of 24 hours). How many orgasms can men have again before they need to recuperate? Need I start the conversation regarding stamina? Although, to be fair, that’s toxic masculinity’s fault second and the patriarchy’s first. Less than 20% of men can have consequent multiple orgasms, the peak being around 4. This myth isn’t just easily debunked, it’s just been damn destroyed. Girls have less orgasms for two reasons: the first being the lack of experience, willingness, and understanding on boy’s part to give girls these orgasms, they know little about the female body and so can’t help, (how many boys do you think know what a clitoris is or where it is? – also toxic masculinity’s fault, thanks culture) The second being that again, girls are taught to be ashamed of their sexual desire, of their lust, of their libido, we’ve been socialized to believe that wanting to have sex means we’re deviant sluts who will rot in hell, which is nowhere near the truth.
3. Desire isn’t the first step in a sexual tete-a-tete
desire doesn’t just happen, it requires a trigger. a thought. a memory. a double entendre. a pornographic image. a heated gaze. a kiss on the neck. anything. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t just suddenly feel desire, it’s a human thing, there has to be a thought or an action, that triggers a reaction, yes? You need to be aroused first to desire something or someone. Does that make sense? Sometimes, it won’t kick in, that’s okay too. Again, desire requires arousal, arousal requires sex drive, your sex drive fluctuates. Some things you might think do it for you when they don’t and vice versa. Nothing is wrong with you. Promise.
4. There’s Viagra for women
Uh, no? No. Just, no. Viagra isn’t even about libido, viagra is for ED (erectile dysfunction) in men. It’s scientific/mechanical/whatever – it does nothing for your libido, man or woman. This is such a big misconception and I just want to cry, really. Got it? Thank you.
5. Intimacy? Intimacy
So many of my fellow girl friends come to me and say: “I can’t feel anything” and I always raise my eyebrow. First off, there are psychiatrists and sex therapists and intimacy expert humans who specialize in this particular area and there’s no shame in visiting them and asking questions. Most of the time, there’s a major intimacy issue, not only because we’re sexually uneducated, but also because we don’t do communication when it comes to our relationships outside and inside the bedroom. If you will be intimate with someone, you need to figure your shit out, have them figure their shit out, and actually talk about it. It’s not awkward, it’s necessary.
As always, I am NOT encouraging anyone to have sex, I’m just saying, if you think there’s a problem with you, there probably isn’t, but even so, visit a sex therapist or gynecologist or even just a psychiatrist – reach out to a professional, ask for books or videos or podcasts to help you understand how your body works, learn about your own genitalia – hell, your whole body. If you choose to become sexually active, that’s your choice, idgaf personally, however, kindly make sure you’re consenting 100%, that you’re safe 100%, and above all – educated in the sense that you know what you’re getting into.
Stay safe loves,
P.S science and social science are still in this epic debate that’s around whether everything regarding sex is biological or psychological and it’s lit. All you intellectuals should check some of this shit out.