I Hate Being Single But I Push Every Chance at Love Away

By: A

We’ve all been there – you start dating someone and they act a bit too keen. They’re messaging you at all hours, and cannot wait to meet up again, and what do you do? you push ’em away. Some people push others away more often than seems obviously justified. Sometimes, it can feel like somebody loses interest even though things were going perfectly. “some people” is me.

Like walking on a bridge made of glass, we’ve always been careful of opening up to new people. Sometimes even ending whatever connection we make with someone before it starts. Before a mutual understanding is created. Before love happens. And I can’t blame anyone for being this way because I myself constantly push people away. I tend to push away the people who try to step into my life and make a conscious effort in not letting them break the wall I carefully built for my own reasons. I push and push because that’s my only way of protecting myself.

I can’t seem to find love because I secretly don’t think it exists. Even when I meet a good person, I’m  basically just waiting for them to mess up and ruin everything. I have low expectations because I don’t really believe in love or soul mates or any of that fairytale romance stuff.

It’s not always the unknown, heights, reptiles or the dark that people are afraid of. Sometimes, we’re also scared of exposing our vulnerable sides. Scared of experiencing heartache and pain once again. Scared of someone seeing the monster inside us. Scared with the thought of being left all over again. And as someone vulnerable and whose emotions are often at its peak, I’m afraid of giving the ability to tamper with them to just anybody.

Maybe I push people away because I’m not yet ready. That’s how simple it is. Maybe the thought of having an emotional attachment to someone new still frightens me, and maybe that’s how it will always be. Because as clichéd as it is, no one is ever ready to be completely attached – much more to fall in love – with someone anyway; everyone just does. It just happens doesn’t it?

Sometimes though, I don’t love myself and I’m not confident in who I am. I genuinely think I’m being pranked when someone asks me out and I almost always laugh when I’m complimented. I don’t trust that someone would actually like me because I don’t like me.

Keep in mind that we only do this to shield our protective bubble and not because we don’t want you in our lives. So pull me back. Pull me when I push you because that’s just me showing you how weak I could be. Pull me when I’m scared. Pull me when I feel not ready. Pull me when I’m most vulnerable. Pull me because I need you. I need to see how far you’ll go for me, for whatever it is you feel, and for whatever connection you want to stay between us. I want to see your patience not solely because I’m testing you but also because I want to know whether your love for me is as much as your fear of losing me.

I want to see you stay when I try to push you away, because that’s when I’m the weakest, that’s when I need you to love me most.

One thought on “I Hate Being Single But I Push Every Chance at Love Away

  1. Goodness, I can relate. I believe my therapist labeled it as an “anxious/avoidant attachment style” in romantic relationships. I excel at developing and maintaining platonic and professional relationships, but something about romance tends to flare up my anxiety.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.