You said you were broken, and damaged. You said you needed to fix yourself. Yet, somehow, almost two weeks later I find you with another girl on your instagram story, you were never public with me, I thought to myself. You praise her beauty over a cup of hot chocolate. You drank coffee with me. You go shopping with her, you go on breakfast dates, lunch dates, dinner dates, you go to the cinema, bowling and ice skating. I can tell that you love her way more than you loved me, it’s crystal clear. You do everything together. You treat her the way I wanted you to treat me.
You hurt me, you lied to me and you broke my heart over, and over, and over again. But for some reason I still miss your stupid, reckless, irresponsible, immature, selfish ass. You broke me, but for whatever sick and twisted reason, I still want you back, with me. I want to hold your hand, to go to my favorite coffee shop and read a book knowing that you’re gazing at me, feeling all the butterflies. I want to go to the movies, with your arms around me, playing with my hair. I loved you, I trusted you and all you did was take advantage of me, you broke my trust, you used me. I feel stupid because I didn’t see all the red flags, you always read about that one toxic couple, or the one that was abused, you never imagine yourself to ever be in that position. You never think for a second that, that it could be you.
How can I miss someone who took advantage of me, manipulated me, and hurt me the way you did? I miss the warmth of your arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe. The way you looked at me made me feel so innocent and pure, like I was one in a billion, something truly special. We were star-crossed lovers I guess. I hate you, but mostly I hate myself for missing you and wanting you back, I hate myself for allowing my heart to get hurt by a piece of shit like you. The day that I started loving you was the same day I lost myself. I tossed away my morals and principles to make you happy, I was always next to you and I abandoned my friends because of that. I was a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad student, even a bad writer. I made you the center of my universe. Everything was about you and about your happiness. I allowed you to corrupt me, I did things that I am ashamed of in order to make you happy and it still wasn’t enough. You were never satisfied, you were a hungry animal, you always wanted more. I was never enough. I never could be.
You are my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night. You’re the only thing I think about during the day. Even in my dreams, you’re there. I can’t seem to get you out of my head. We were good. We trusted each other. We were there for each other, not everything was bad. Things were almost perfect, and to this day I wonder what the hell happened that made you the way you are. You turned into your father, I know how much that would hurt you if I said it, but after what you did to me, you deserve this hurt. I don’t hate you, I know that I said that I did, but I don’t. I hate what what you did to me. And, I will never forgive you for it. But, that won’t stop me from loving you.
We broke up one year ago today, and I still miss you. Through all the blood and tears shed, with all the hurtful shit you said. There isn’t a day that I spent with you that I regret.