I choose to no longer love you because loving you hurt.
Loving you made me vulnerable. I am extremely guarded, they say. I don’t trust people easily and I don’t let people in quickly. I still can’t figure out how you did it, but in just 4 short months, you had me hooked and trusting. You had me waiting for your texts, wishing you’d call and ask about my day. You had me looking forward to our talks so much that they became the only good thing going on in my life, after I spent my almost two decades bragging about the fact that I’m the most easily pleased person in the world.
Loving you made me weak. It made me worry about you when there was nothing going on between us, or at least before I realized that we were more than just “best friends”. It made me hysterical, wanting to call every person I know in search of you when you didn’t answer your phone and it had been raining heavily outside for 3 hours, or when you told me that you were sick the night before but it was now midday and you hadn’t woken up and texted me that you were okay.
Loving you made me fear losing you. More than I’ve ever feared losing anything in my life. It turned me from someone who is brave, unapologetic, and powerful into someone who is always afraid of saying or doing anything that might drive you away.
Worst of all, loving you made me forgive you when I wasn’t ready to forgive you, hell, when I didn’t even want to because it meant that I wouldn’t have to go to bed without talking to you.
I used to think that you were God’s gift to me. That He sent you my way to show me that all the heartache I went through was for a reason. I used to think that I didn’t deserve someone as good as you, that I needed to be better to be worthy of all the love you’ve given me.
In all honesty, those 4 months could fall among the best days of my life, and to be fair, you weren’t a bad person. Because even though they were only 4 months, I knew everything about you. You told me everything I needed to know to undeniably be sure that you are not a bad person and that you really deeply cared for me.
All of this did not mean shit for you though, it didn’t change the fact that you hurt me, bad.
I am past all my anger and frustration towards you. I now see your actions for what they truly were and not for what I mistook them for in a brief moment of hatred. I know you never meant to hurt me in any way. Not when you disappeared abruptly for two whole months without reason, not when you were pressuring me into doing/saying things I am not comfortable with and not even when you’d pop back into my life every couple of months out of nowhere telling me that you “f*cking miss me”. I see it all now – and I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt, not because of anything other than that I want my peace of mind back.
I want to be able to sit at the beach, look out into the sea and not think of you. I want to stop going through old texts of ours that I had star-ed thinking they would make us laugh one day reading them together and making fun of how we started. I want to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong in this relationship because I wasn’t the only one making mistakes here, there were two of us. And I really want to stop writing about you and to you, especially those letters that I’ll never send.
But amidst all that, the fact that I am doing my best to not blame you either, to just leave all behind me and move on with my life, and the fact that you’re still texting me and I can’t bring myself to stop texting you, I choose to no longer love you.
I choose to no longer love you and, for once, love myself more. Love myself enough to know I deserve better that this, better than all this heartache and agony. Love myself hard enough to know that walking away from you forever is the only fair choice, knowing in my heart that you were not right for me and that I will find someone better along the way. Love myself more than you or anyone else will ever be able to love me and not allow anyone to hurt me the way you did.
I choose to no longer love you and I hope it hurts less than loving you did.