Dear Self – How Wonderfully You Have Grown Over the Last Year (and a bit)

By: Hanya

I don’t remember a time where I didn’t have a strong character, where I didn’t set goals, or have harsh opinions and a voice – a time where I was only alone. With that, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t told to tone it down. So, as a child crying I did. I lost so much of me; I developed anxiety, depression, and a couple of other mental discomforts. I got self-conscience, I got insecure, and I didn’t carry myself well. Of course I struggled with people too. And I went into each year that exact way. I wasn’t in a good place, and I was struggling to get over someone. I just felt that everything was against me in some sort of way.

I lost my grandfather; he retired to god. I lost my friends; they decided they didn’t need me anymore. I lost my supporter; he thought I wasn’t opening the with the same vibe anymore. My response would have been feeling crippled and weak until I couldn’t get out of bed one day and I realized that everyone was out there living. Being something just clicked and I came to the conclusion that I am so much better than this.

I got out of bed, I bought myself flowers. Lots of them, then I made a beeline to the hair salon. I chopped off my entire hair length and carried my ponytail home wanting to donate it. My hair was giving me trouble, I used to hide behind it and shy away. I hated having people look at me so I would always have my hair down. It was weighing me down. It was doing me more damage than love. And when you find more negatives than positives, you have to let go no matter how hard. I felt that it’ll make someone else happy. So spontaneously butchering my hair was the first time I let go entirely; I used to never want to let go. I didn’t want anymore weight on my shoulders. Thing was, I told one- not even my parents, if you’re wondering I just needed myself. I was proud and I was happy because I always had trouble letting go. And that is the best thing you can do for yourself, being discreet. HOWEVER I AM DEFINITELY NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD GO BEHIND YOUR PARENTS’ BACK TO CHOP 40 INCHES OF YOUR HAIR. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE!

My body. My precious, beautiful body. I stopped seeking revenge on my body’s cellulite and stretch marks that circled around my waist and danced all the way to my inner thighs. I stopped holding resentment and offered her a life-long friendship, to which precious signed and accepted, telling me how much she has waited for this I love me with shorts and a bikini openly. I love me with pants and a cardigan, openly.

I found myself more into veganism and I’m taking baby steps into that world of love, respect and minimalism. Becoming an environmentalist and becoming vegan was always my ultimate goal. Focusing on what’s good for me, and my environment because I believe that we eat to live not live to eat. And how much more forgiving vegan can be.

I always struggled with myself because as humans, we were dependent and i would put my entirety on others. There was just too much that I couldn’t carry alone. But no, as humans we should co-depend. While also being capable of holding ourselves alone.

Teenntimes was -and still is- a complete dream. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I started Teenntimes one year and a bit ago on the 8th of September 2018 because I love writing -as we all here do- but I started clouded, afraid, shy and utterly vulnerable. I was doubtful and everything that came out of me was bullshit. It took me a month to get my first article out, but then everything fell into place. Because I wasn’t alone. Fadila was there for me in more ways than one. It was a learning experience for the both of us and we were both scared shitless. A month from that i got a text from Fadila telling me that we have 15 new recruits to our family and that she wanted me to mentor and guide them. Now they’re amazing writers and they’re all badass in one way or the other.

Through Teenntimes, I found a family so full of love, laughter, memes, and intellectuality. Through Teenntimes I found a beautiful, brilliant best friend that is badass but also so raw and passionate. Through Teenntimes I got my first boss who  quite frankly is the bitchiest pain in the arse but also the sweetest caring and pushy mom you could ever find! Through Teenntimes i found myself; I found strength, I found power, I found purpose. I hope to continue to the end or until I’ve left my mark, only then will it be peaceful for me to leave.

My year alone because I carried myself alone. My year was rough and I genuinely thought that the world was against me, but I got myself on my feet. All it took was a day and the realization of how much better I would be/do. My year was in every way glorious and I’ve never been in this extreme state of contentment. I cannot wait for more triumphs and success, for checking everything on my bucket list and for filling this world with happiness. My year alone, not because I was alone in any way, on the contrary. my year alone, because I learned how to be alone at last I am comfortable, capable, and content alone, body and soul. As it should be. 

Dearest reader, there is light, there is hope, there is love. It is a choice. It is always a choice and you decide who you are. Allow yourself growth and patience. Be forgiving, be kind to you. Dearest reader, thank you for bearing and being with me throughout my year. I hold so much gratitude towards you and I might not know you, but some of you have dm-ed me throughout, giving me kindness and motivation. Which I love and so I might not know you, but I most definitely love you. Being here is so special and I’m in love with it.

How wonderfully you have grown since September of the year before last. 

So one more time 8th of September 2019.

I leave you with peace, health and hippie love.

Hanya xx

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