The most difficult thing for any young or older person to do – no matter what life phase they’re in – is to let go. Whether it’s a toxic friend or partner , trusting someone new or choosing to drop a class ; admitting that you’ve had enough and you deserve happiness is something that this society hasn’t allowed us to accept , making us view prioritise ourselves and our happiness as weakness when in reality it should only be perceived as not just strength but as a common necessity.
It’s hard to let go when all you want to do is hold on, especially when you can’t seem to forget the memories. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re a tiny bit relieved that your life isn’t messed up by any specific reason and you don’t really need to let go. However the hard to swallow pill is that toxicity comes in different forms. It’s not always the persistent and present crying because someone made you feel like shit. Sometimes it’s just someone undermining you.
The decision I’ve made is a decision that’s always been in the back of my head , as if at any moment I could pull it as a ‘get out of jail’ card. My friends didn’t make me cry daily , they didn’t call me incompetent , they didn’t treat my parents horribly , they weren’t bad influences but they were simply not good for me – not anymore at least.
Sparing you the details , my friends have been my biggest triggers for a very long time. Without noticing it, so many little things were said and done that were only leading me down a dark path , making my mental health much worse than its current state. In fact , it was so triggering that I would need to distance and isolate myself from them for a week or two every couple of months from how much of toll it was taking on me.
I loved them , I loved them so much that I made myself take these much needed breaks in order to be able to have them stay in my life. But the truth is, sometimes you just outgrow certain people. Sometimes people just become bad for you despite their intentions. Sometimes people just do things that will drive you to the edge.
From constantly making me feel incompetent to being insensitive about my feelings and justifying it as me getting offended easily. From talking about me behind my back and twisting my own words. From slut shaming me and then hiding behind their belief in god. From never asking about me and being dry to getting upset because me not talking to them due to their lack of interest means me being distant.
I had to make a decision for myself, to prioritise myself , health and happiness. I loved them but I cannot sacrifice my own life to keep 4 people in it. This decision was difficult but it has significantly improved my life and I am so much happier now that I have this freedom and sending positive energy.
And for the first time in four years, I was genuinely able to text someone whole heartedly to tell them that I didn’t hate my body. I could say that I say what my eating disorder deemed as ‘the perfect body’ and I didn’t lose myself in the picture, I simply said ‘it’s not that amazing’ and continued to think that my body was still decent. I was in a fitting room, trying on clothes and i saw my reflection of my almost naked body ; stretch marks , cellulite , body hair , flab , the lack of tone and I did not break down crying because my body is what any woman’s body would look like. I ate what you would call an ‘unhealthy’ meal and I still thought I deserved to live and eat more. I saw myself in the mirror and took pictures because I liked how I looked. Now I have a friend that is always sending me positive affirmations , encouraging me to do whatever makes me happy, supporting me, giving me raw advice, someone who doesn’t judge me or make me feel inferior.
The truth is , even the sweetest of candies can sometimes lose their escence, and all you can do is find another that aligns well with your taste buds and see where that takes you.