I have a thing for psychopathic men. I’ve been single since forever, but every single guy I’ve crushed on throughout my entire life ended up being some sort of severely traumatized, sickeningly sadistic, emotionally manipulative psychopath. My mom always tells me: “you have a thing for the dangerously broken ones”. Obviously, I try to refute this claim, but with every man that catches my eye, the argument dies in my throat.
Honestly, I have no clue what that says about me, the fact that I am always drawn to men who exude power, deceitfulness, and aggressiveness like a moth to a flame.
My response has easily become: “ugh, boys”.
So, around a month ago, I found myself chilling at uni with a couple of friends and a bunch of guys when this guy – who is exactly my type – fucking waltzes in and I can practically smell the danger around him – he reeks of it. He’s beautiful, no legit, all caramel eyes and tan skin and lithe a build and I want to just look at him all day. Then he starts talking about life and social science theories and shit, all the while giving off this air of charisma and power and I just want to crawl into his lap and let him epically fuck me over. Like, I became a puddle of fucking goo at his feet – on the inside of course. Then, I called one of my friends to ask about him and shit, I was totally thinking with my lower half, so 30 mins of asking around later, my friend calls me, and goes: “as usual, he’s a fucking psychopath”. She gives me a long ass list of all the shit he put his last known ex for and I nearly cried.
Just my luck *face palm*
Personally, I think it’s their impressive (and kinda imposing) sense of self. I’m super attracted to a man who is blunt, charming, intelligent, and knows exactly what he wants. I’m a huge fan of “the chase”, mostly because I am a woman who likes the fight for dominance that most men don’t usually expect, the cat may be bigger but the mouse is quicker.
The danger is what draws me in, the adrenalin, the thrill, the risk – it’s all I live for when it comes to men. I get bored super easily, I grew up learning to read body language and basic manipulation, I read like it’s a compulsive behavior, it makes sense that I would want a person who gets bored just as easily and can alleviate that boredom for me. I want a man who is hard to decipher, difficult to deal with, and most importantly – smart enough to know how to deal with me.
Sadly, what I want based on what I’ve been culturally taught and what I need are two different things. I’ve come to realize that I’m mostly attracted to psychopathic men because my trauma and my messed up mental health have so far dictated how I look at men, and I’ve found myself stumbling over the most gorgeous, charming, and dangerous guys around, engaging in a battle of wit and will, only to end up just a little bit more broken every time.
It’s completely unhealthy, hence why I’ve sworn off relationships while I recover and heal through various types of therapy, because I’ve had enough heartbreak to last me 3 lifetimes, thanks.