The Hopeless Romantic, Emotionally Unavailable, Waiting for Love Kinda Girl

By: Zaynab

Here’s the thing: Girl X loves love. As a kid, she would swoon and sigh whenever the princess kisses the frog and turns him back into a prince. She used to dream of the day she would see past the Beast’s frightening exterior and fall in love with his true self. She would identify with Ariel, who went up against the all-mighty King Triton in pursuit of her love.

Here’s the other thing. If Girl X gets approached about such matters she will probably tell whoever approached her to piss off. She loves love, yes. She just does not want it right now. Girl X acknowledges that high school/university is a messy time to be messing with someone else’s heart and to allow them to mess with her own. She recognizes the gravity of the utterly terrifying experience that many call falling in love. Does she want to have that someday? Hell yes. Her heart aches for it in fact. But it is simply too hard, and too dangerous, and dare she say it: way too tempting. Regardless, can you honestly say that the idea of giving someone the power to make or break you isn’t the least bit frightening? Can you prove that you are perfectly fine with having the power to break someone’s heart and having that on your conscience, all because you weren’t ready for that kind of responsibility? She refuses to risk that. Not until she knows she’s got the real deal, anyways. She’s not interested in a relationship right now; and that’s not only because of factors like religion and fear of disappointing her family. Girl X insists on waiting for the right time, and she will not give in to peer pressure or the fact that many people her age choose to be in relationships. She respects their choices, and supports her friends when they need it, but she has her own reasons for not being in a relationship of her own.

You must be wondering what could change Girl X’s perspective so quickly on such a universal topic. The answer is pretty simple: life. Life did that to the little girl who relentlessly believed in love. Though she still does, she now has moments when she doubts its existence. She now looks at those fictional characters and recognizes that that’s what they are: fiction. That little girl has seen what mankind has to offer. She’s now determined to be capable of independence before ever falling in love or getting married. She doesn’t want to depend on someone only to end up abandoned or hurt. In another life, one where she could see couples who honestly seem in love rather than an exponentially increasing divorce rate, maybe things would’ve been different. But they aren’t.

Girl X isn’t a heartless monster now. She still falls in love with characters like Stiles Stilinski and William Herondale and cries during movies like A Walk to Remember. Though she doubts love she reminds herself that every fiction is based in fact. If a guy like Landon exists in movies it’s because somewhere someone real has similar qualities. People suck, but they don’t all suck. It’s hard to find someone, but it’s not impossible. 

Another question is: why? Why wait so long for something when you barely believe it exists? The answer: Girl X does believe in love. Not the type that’s romanticized by the media, like falling for a bad boy or love at first sight. She knows the truth. She knows that it’s all in the little things. It’s bickering like an old married couple and acknowledging that that’s the best part of your relationship, that it shows how comfortable you are around each other. It’s letting them talk about their bad day when you had the best day at work. It’s being there in the good and bad times. It’s cooking their favourite meal or watching their favourite show with them when they’re not feeling like themselves. It’s simultaneously way simpler and way more complex than you can know until you have it. She knows that it’s worth the wait.

Girl X is currently unavailable, despite being a hopeless romantic. She’s patiently waiting for her turn to fall in love, to have the real deal. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, but she has hope, and that’s all she can do as she lives her life.

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