An Open Letter to My First Love

dear first love,

for a long time I feared losing you. the thought of never having you by my side scared me.i look at how things are at the moment, i never imagined i’d be here writing about you and not talking to you, but i realised that holding on to you only held me back. i wasn’t moving forward and letting go was one of the best things i could’ve done, i’ve learned that loving you was just me settling in my comfort zone and refusing to grow.

know that i will never forget you or the memories we made, i simply realise that i can’t put loving someone as a priority before loving myself. and maybe if i knew the things i know now, maybe things would have been different. my road to happiness started when i let go…

right?

you deserve to know, i loved you. here i am, retouching memories that fade as quickly as you breathe. i know i was important to you, i will always hold on to our moments and take them out on days when I miss you. we all make choices, good or bad, we tend to forget that our choices affect other people too. i’m sorry. i thought i was protecting you. i know we will never be the same, but it’ll always feel the same.

because there comes a point in life where you have to leave someone you love, you can love someone so much and they still won’t be right for you. sometimes, the guy you want isn’t the guy you need. don’t get me wrong, yes, it’s hard to leave the person you love, it hurts, but as time eventually passes, your heart will heal.

i’m not sure if you’ll read this, but i have to admit that you were the first one to make me see life in different shapes and colors. you made life so full of excitement and passion that even when i was tired to the bone, i couldn’t stop. 

i wanted all you could give me; you are the reason i do not want to settle, you’ve raised the bar so damn high. i am not saying you are perfect; you are certainly flawed, we are all flawed, but you already knew that and learned how to understand me regardless. we were committed to our relationship and our love was only for us to share. my freedom and dreams were never compromised because you always supported me and believed that I could do anything i set my mind to. 

looking back, i now laugh about how jealous i would get and how i would deal with my jealousy. it was only because i feared losing you, and no matter how much you told me you loved me, i was always a bit insecure. I know you felt similarly, even though we were always ourselves in our relationship, we never got too comfortable.

this is why, my first love, it is so difficult not to glimpse back and open the vault of memories, to remember the butterflies in my stomach each time i saw you, or talked to you, or laughed with you, or just basked in your warmth next to me. 

Remember how i mentioned before that i just want you to be happy? it’s true. 

it makes me overjoyed to know that you are happy and sharing your love and passion with some other girl who loves you. i was very selfish and jealous when it came to our love, i cannot be selfish with you, not anymore.

i want you to be happy, because i am grateful that i was able to have someone like you in my life, once upon a time.

no matter how much you love someone, it is hard not to hurt him or her, it is a matter of hoping for forgiveness and asking for forgetfulness, thank you for being my first. 

thank you, because when I look back at our memories, i cry a little, but my tears are neither sad or angry, they’re the kind of tears that are followed by laughter, they’re happy tears because you didn’t hurt me, you taught me. you showed me new things and made me happy, even if it didn’t last all that long. you taught me how to love someone unconditionally, you taught me to live in the moment, you showed me that not all guys are douchebags and some are sweet, caring, and loving. but you also taught me how to stop loving someone when they’re bad for me. 

most importantly, you showed me that not every love has to last forever, and that that’s ok. 

———- thank you, to the first boy I’ve ever loved ———

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