Fun fact 1 about Maya Hesham: Maya is a very affectionate, kinda needy— won’t deny it— human being. She constantly needs love and attention, otherwise she functions poorly.
Fun fact 2 about Maya Hesham: Maya is lame af at relationships, but she still likes trying it out every once in a while, just for the hell of it, maybe this time she’ll get to the basis of one of her numerous issues, or perhaps find out, and firmly convince herself that love wasn’t meant for her after all.
Today I found out that my ex actually got into a relationship, and that he wasn’t faking it to make me jealous or to make me want him back. His girlfriend is not a thread of his imagination, hell I might even meet her tomorrow at Sahel, because he wants me to get to know her, because we’re still best friends after all, aren’t we? oh joyyyyy!
I am not infuriated or jealous or feeling anything malicious towards them, on the contrary, all I have for them is pure bliss and hope that they stay together. I am simply mad; mad at myself, at the universe, at the emotional chaos I have recently become, at so many things but most certainly not them.
Are all the hot guys without worms for brains gay?
Do I have a bad reputation?
Am I sexually repulsive?
Is my personality ew?
More or less, is the universe blind?
How does the world’s love balance function?
Is it really me, or has my time still not come?
I am a hopeless romantic, I can shamelessly say that now, since teenntimes is a judgement-free zone. I can’t help but fantasize about my significant other, or think about my first date with them, how their hair would smell like, or how their hands would feel like, caressing my cheeks. I love opening up to new people, getting to know them, and eventually ending up in love with them. I never understood how you can live parts of your life with someone, let them know the good and bad about you, and still not consider them as part of your soul.
Did you cringe? Is this cheesy? Wait for it.
But that’s one part of me. The other part of me thinks that people are liars and cheaters and not trustworthy. As much passionate as I am about opening my heart up to someone new, it’s hard for me to let go of the belief that I will never be truly loved for who I am, and that this person will eventually let go of me in the most heartbreaking way ever. It sounds tragic, but in a way it isn’t, it’s protective, peace-making. I have had walls built around me, savouring my heart, for years, and when I finally let the guard down, instead of finding my heart cherished, it was tossed around and toyed with.
I have issues, with practically everything – the ones I told you about are like half of them – so I don’t really believe that someone out there can love me “unconditionally” when my issues form an essential part of me, of who I am and who I want to be.
“Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself; I am large – I contain multitudes.”
I know that life isn’t all about having a boyfriend or whatever, but it would be super nice of the universe to for once give me something I want. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful here, I promise. It’s just that I think that someone as intolerable and flawed as my ex bf, found his person, so why can’t I? Again, I’m repeating, teenntimes is judgement-free, so I am totally being myself here w mesh “badde3y el methaleya”.
My ex bestfriend once told me that the universe doesn’t owe me shit. My ex found his person because he puts in effort and time in finding girls and “sha2t”, instead of staying at home crying about how he deserves it, so the universe gives him what he wants, although it’s not “nice”.
This hit me like a bitch, because I thought nice people get their share of nice things lewahdohom, but apparently not, and I just can’t stop thinking about why the universe is doing this, like I’m right here motherfucker.
I want someone to tolerate me on my bad days – which for the record are a lot, and trust me when I say a lot – before my good ones. Someone who will help me overcome my issues instead of making them worse. Someone to try new food and go on dates with. Someone who will find my naked soul as beautiful as my naked body, and still be awed every single time he sees them. One to accept all my flaws, not point them out hurtingly in front of my bare eyes, in the name of “helping me grow”.
Speaking of growth, I am tired of immature-ass men:
“Is it this time of the month again?” He asks me cynically when I’m infuriated over something with obvious significance.
“I was just spanking her ass casually, that’s our special way of saying hi, why are you mad?” yeah I’m just a misogynistic bitch don’t mind me.
That doesn’t even cover half of it, life has to disappoint me even more. I have raised my standards, like big time since I got out of my last relationship, because it was toxic and consuming in every way possible. So it’s hard to find someone who can meet those standards, be single, still accept me, and NOT BE GAY.
Why am I stressing on the gay part? Oh I’ll tell you. Basically, every guy I remotely find cute, or merely like his personality and mentality, turns out gay!! Tab w baadein? This happened like 7 times.
I’m sorry if I sound needy, but it’s just that I see at least half of my friends happy with their significant others, and I’m right here as single as a pringle, when I would rather experience that same euphoria – speaking of which you should watch that show right the fuck now.
Let’s look at it from another aspect now. Ana bakhaf men el commitment, whenever you mention anything about being a couple and doing all that “gay ass shit” – lmfao – my first reaction is that of a little child who has just been told that they’re getting ice cream.
My second and more crucial reaction is that of a very obscured, muddled teenager:
“Laa I can’t get through with this, my anxiety levels are through the roof right now.”
“What if you get bored with me, and we have a shattering breakup?”
“I’m unbearable sada2ny, you just still don’t know enough about me to think clearly enough.”
And with my parents being divorced, and the stress/ hassle of choosing the right person, and making it through the rough phases, it all sounds so overwhelming, and it truly is, only the real ones stick through, but so far no one did.
This was all the real Maya talking, the one who doesn’t fake perfection, or hide her feelings behind a strong independent ass woman maskshe puts on. This is my biggest insecurity. Raw emotions, right there, I never opened up about this before, so you can probably guess how genuinely personal this is.
Hit me up if you can relate – we can totally rant about it.