I Wish (I Wasn’t Damaged)

By: Zeinah Hesham

I wish I didn’t have to check my phone every 30 seconds when I’m on my own because I’m wondering if he texted me back or if he texted me again because he’s worried that I haven’t responded yet. I wish that I could move on past a disagreement or fight without feeling like it made him completely change the way he feels about me or the way that he looks at me. I wish that I could simply love without thinking too much about the hurt and pain that could come afterwards. I wish I didn’t feel the tears pooling in my eyes every time I think about him breaking my heart or me breaking his. I wish I could trust that he likes me and he wouldn’t hurt and scar me just like the one before him did. I wish I didn’t ache every time, I felt random changes in his behaviour, letting me think that all of my doubts and suspicions are correct.

I wish I didn’t need her to respond to my texts and be interested in every bit of my life because I call her my best friend. I wish she would call me or text me every once in a while even though she knows that I don’t love phone calls and random texts confuse me. I wish that she knows how much her friendship means to me and that I’m holding back tears whenever I joke about leaving the country and never talking to any of my friends from high school ever again because it’s not fucking realistic to stay friends and meet all those great people so early in your life. I wish I had met her sooner.

I wish I never met him. I wish I never ended up falling for him or his words. I wish I had waited longer to say ‘Yes!’ to being his girlfriend. I wish I had noticed the red flags and ended things because he was constantly hurting me. I wish I had ended things when we had that fight during summer when he glorified sexual assault and made it seem okay because he was generally a sociopath. I wish I had told him that what he did to me felt like cheating even if he claimed that they were just friends. I wish I were more brave and broke it off when I spent more time crying because of him and the smiles that came only existed because of old chats and no new conversations. I wish I had left sooner because at least I would have kept my innocence and have the ability to trust.

I wish the one that carried me in her body for nine months wouldn’t be the reason why I constantly relapse into depression and anorexia. I wish the woman that says she loves me, would still love if she were to know the real me. I wish she would accept that the person she sees everyday is not the same person that is me. I wish she knew how much pain I’ve been through and how strong it has made me, I wish she knew how excited I am to be falling in love again, I wish she knew how much that scares me and makes me wanna scream , I wish she understood that not every wish of hers is my command. I wish she knew that I’m not willing to get married and have kids because that’s the circle of life. I wish she understood, how much more I would’ve wanted to stay with her if she actually accepted and loved me as much as she says.

I wish the man that has provided for us since he married my mother knew that I don’t love him. I wish he knew the fact that his anger shakes me to the core and that is why I flinch every time he raises his voice and shake when I get flashbacks. I wish he understood how much I despise being touched and him wanting me to hug him angers me to no return because this is in fact not an act and I do hate being touched by almost everyone. I wish he understood that I hate being asked ‘what’s wrong’ when I’m upset. I wish he understood that his constant complaints and scoffing and anger is the reason why I’m always scared of asking anyone for anything material and that this is why the simplest of actions, words and sentimental gifts bring a smile to my face.

I wish, that I wasn’t damaged enough to have to write this.

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