The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Getting Over Your Ex

By: Maya

I am the lamest person ever at relationships, I learnt it the hard way, and it wasn’t pretty. For that I thank my commitment issues, my very wrong — but somehow seemingly right at the moment of making them — decisions, and of course my demented brain that holds on to fake love, thinking its real, and pushes away true love, thinking that I’ll eventually find out that I was being played.

There’s no right way or wrong way to get over an ex, because every person you get into a relationship with impacts you differently, so you need to slowly get rid of the effects they had on your body and mind.

First of all, not all exes have to be evil humans that hurt you and broke your heart or treated you like shit. Sometimes, you part in a very peaceful way, which makes the healing process much more difficult, as your mind can’t formulate any negative thoughts about them to dwell on, so you can gradually start pulling yourself together.

Every ex of mine – they’re glamorous you don’t even know – has helped me grow and mature in some way, for that I am beyond grateful. Nevertheless, the effort and time and the process itself of growth was very painful and backbreaking – wallahy mesh ha2lebha nakad.

     *back to black by Amy Whinehouse – lmao – starts  playing*

Let’s all agree that anyone who tells you through any phase of your healing process to just “get over yourself” is full of shit, because they have probably never been in a relationship, so what the fuck do they know? Be nice or go away bro.

The first post-breakup phase that I had gotten into was the whining phase. I am naturally a person who LOVES whining for absolutely no reason whatsoever – and I am not ashamed of admitting that – so imagine what I did when I actually had a reason to.
I sought refuge in my bed, and kept texting my bestfriend 24/7 about how miserable I am without him, and how much I hate getting to know that asshole in the first place – kanet ma3refa hebab fe3lan. She’d just be like mhm w eh kaman, because she knows quite well that right the next second I’d say that I love him so much and I’ll never find someone as “caring” – HAHA IKR – and “loving” as he was.

In moments when I felt my anger issues – ugh I’m full of issues ik why are you attacking me – kick in I’d go to the gym just to steam off, and I’d call my other bestfriend while working out and tell him how much I should really stop caring about whatever my ex does, and start paying attention to myself, while I have ny ex’s tweet notifications on, so I still know the type of music he listens to.

This phase is obviously full of contradictions, one moment you want to kick their asses and the next one you want to caress their cheeks and go on car dates with them. 
Eat tons of ice cream and avoid dealing with people if you want to, but please don’t fake being okay, that is so toxic, and your feelings will just keep getting bottled up, until you explode, so please treat your soul delicately. No matter how cheesy you think that sounds, you need to embrace those feelings, and trust the process.

       *Zara Larsson – lush life starts playing*

– “bas begad ana hassa eno khalas I’m over him w I’m ready to get back into the dating world.”– “Maya ala fekra your ex broke up tany and he’s single now.”- *squeals* “EHLEFY?!”– “laa bahazar, aho enty wala over him wala neela.”
Another fun fact about me is that I’m a very affectionate human. I constantly need love and attention, otherwise I can’t function – howa el mawdoo3 yeddy alab daddy issues bas laa that’s not it. 

This phase for me was the hardest one because I really wanted to get intimate – both sexually and not sexually – with someone, but at the same time I know I’m not over my ex, so I don’t want to azlem a human being.

We all know how bad relationships that only happen because you’re using the other person to help you fill the void of/ forget your ex are. 
It’s unfair for neither you nor your new partner. You’re not giving yourself time to pull yourself together and be truly infatuated with the new human you’re about to get into a relationship with. Please consider your options carefully, before you decide that you’re no longer a mess and in a state good enough to start dating.

*New rules – Dua Lipa starts playing*

Of course this one is on the playlist. This is the time when you start making resolutions. This phase often has a very drastic ending, one of two options: one you get over your ex, because you know what’s best for you, and you can resist your mind’s temptations; two you still need some more time, as your heart still skips a beat when you hear their name, and you try to find loopholes in the promises you make to yourself.

Me: ana mesh ha call him no matter what happens

Also me: ana olt eny mesh ha call him bas ma2oltesh eny mesh ha text him

If this is your last step in the process of getting over your ex, you have healed and grown so much since you guys parted, be proud of yourself for all what you had to go through to reach this point.

If this isn’t your last stop on the journey, welcome to the club. You’re good as gold wallah, you’re over whining and pretending and denying, and you’re here now, you might still need more time to figure your shit out, but that’s okay you have all the time in the world.

*Adele – Someone like you starts playing*

You reach closure. You’re finally at peace with yourself. You have made amends with the fact that you guys are over. No more anger, when you hear their names. No more pain, when you get flashbacks of moments when you were together. 
You’re past that, and you never felt better. You’re okay with seeing them with new partners. No hints of jealousy, or “I did that first, bitch”, or “that could’ve been us bas enta waty w zo2ak khara.”

You could still be friends with your ex, and it might turn out even greater than when you guys were in a relationship — I don’t recommend that though. 

There are some things that guided me along the way, maybe they can help you too:
Stop being petty on social media, “hanazel el soora di ashan ye3raf eno I can have fun without him 3ady”, or “I’m uploading el story di ashan tehess eno what she lost was fucking gorj and that I can replace her so easily aslann.”

Don’t sabotage your ex’s reputation please. No leaked nudes or stories about when she sucked your dick and was so bad at it or places where you made out, please balash. That is so immature and childish, and if you are grown enough to get into a relationship, then this applies to staying silent about what you guys shared, no matter how much your friends lure you into telling them.

Make a list or write a letter to your future self, and keep it in a place where you can easily find — asl ana nahs habetein. Ektebo feeha baa kol haga you disliked about your ex, or like why you guys didn’t workout. Or get very descriptive and write about how they broke your heart, and made you feel worthless w kol el hagat elly momken te2felko menhom tany. Read whatever you wrote, whenever you want to call them again, or whenever you feel like getting back together with them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against getting back together with your exes. I just don’t think that life imitates movies, where you guys find your way back together, and things turn out to be fucking awesome. It happens, bas it’s soooo rare.

And more music of course — be prepared for a lot of Lana Del Rey:

– The blackest day, Lana Del Rey.

– Don’t worry ’bout me, Zara Larsson.

– Shim el yasmine, Mashrou’ Leila.

– Don’t call me up, Mabel.

– Blue Jeans, Lana Del Rey.

– K. , Cigarettes after Sex.

– Fasateen, Mashrou’ Leila.

– Video games, Lana Del Rey.

– Main girl, Charlotte Cardin.

– Call out my name, The Weeknd.

– Privilege, The Weeknd.-

Ma fee mennek, Aziz Maraka.

– Dirty dirty, Charlotte Cardin.

– Salted wound, Sia — aywa heya beta3et 50 shades.

– We don’t talk anymore, Charlie Puth.

– Same old love, Selena Gomez — betenfaa f el resolutions.

– Wish you were gay, Billie Eilish.

– Ana bakhaf men el commitment, Jadal.

– Him and I, Halsey — kont basma3ha w a3od a3ayyat ala nafsy matefhamoosh ghalat.

– Send my love, Adele.

– Six feet under, Billie Eilish.

P.S. If there are new possible partners claiming to truly love you, they’ll wait for you to complete the process, and they’ll cheer for you when you get through each phase. They’ll help you to get your shit together, instead of urging you on and telling you from afar to work on yourself. Take all the time you want, love.
xoxo, Maya

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