When you think of high school, you think of a group of mean girls, a hot jock and gossip. High school is a hell of its own, being mentally unstable and in high school leads you to a special place in this hell. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder since I was 15 years old, so 4 years ago, and trying to balance between high school, its stress and its drama, and BPD was unachievable.
Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD for short, is a mental disorder which affects the patients’ self image and mentality in general. Common symptoms are: impulsivity, short temper and severe mood swings, constant doubtfulness and constant fear of being alone . BPD patients find it difficult to complete day to day tasks as well. 1.6% of the world population suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (1.6%= 3 billion people).
High school is mean. With all the assignments, tests, projects and events happening in the lives of teenagers, losing one’s self is easy. For me, high school was exceptionally hard because of BPD. To begin with, I was in denial when I first got diagnosed. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that a social person such as me could be mentally ill. I was in perfect shape, perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect friendships and perfect grades. Everything was smooth-sailing. This lasted up until I was stranded alone on the streets on the last day of school in 8th grade. This is when reality really hit me.
Because of my fear of being alone, I pushed every single person in my social circle away. I was too pushy, I asked for too much and a basic 15 year old girl would’ve never understood what was wrong with me. My toxic behavior reached an uncontrollable level. I was talking to everyone, about everyone, stealing boyfriends and ruining friendships; just to get the attention that made me sane.
By the time I reached the 10th grade, I would’ve changed schools 4 times. Grade 10 wasn’t that much different, but I was determined not to walk in with the same mindset. Sadly, I couldn’t get myself together and I still used the “gossiping to open conversations” method with other people. Not only did I create uncalled drama, but also I exposed myself way to much. I was just recently talking to a distant friend of mine about how bad my high school experience was and he highlighted on the fact that: “everyone knows a little something about Hagar, you became so uninteresting to talk to because everyone knows a lot about you”. Although these words stung a bit, they were sadly true.
When grade 11 rolled around, I was already friends with a few people who were really close to me. One thing I made sure to do was not hurt any of them intentionally or unintentionally. One thing I learned through this method is that people will take any chance to stomp on you when you’re at you’re weak points. Soon after I was cool with everybody, some of these people became extremely toxic to the extent that I had to refer back to my toxic ways to resolve my issues. On many occasions where someone harmed me, I would go and vent to multiple people, expecting them to keep a secret. Sometimes I would be so afraid of being alone, I’d blame myself for the behaviors of these toxic people. Soon enough, I was lonely again. This time, the loneliness I put myself into was actually what I needed.
To begin with, I started seeing the true colors of people. I found that the friend I made a year ago was actually the only person I wanted to be around when school ended. I also learned to always close my door and only open it to those who actually deserve. Sometimes, I’d actually forcefully make myself forgive other people who should’ve never been forgiven. BPD was and has always been the leading force in all of the decisions I make.
To end this on a positive note, BPD has also led me to take impulsive yet sound decisions in some situations. It made me leave a toxic friendship that I would’ve never survived through. It made me go talk to the boy who made my life worthwhile and it made me change transfer from a bad school to a really good school (academics-wise). BPD is a monster, you need to learn how to tame through your experiences.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I unintentionally hurt during the past 4 years. You are probably a big and important part of my story.
If you feel like you or your loved ones are not in a good place mentally, please contact a professional. BPD is NOT a joke.