Having been through pretty shitty situations and dilemmas, I have come to a conclusion; relationships should be nourishing, sustainable, mind and heart healthy, and genuine. If you came here thinking I’d be telling you how to convince your girlfriend to have sex with you as if she’s an object to be used and discarded or to convince your boyfriend to take whatever “Tumblr” pictures you had in mind to show him off as if he’s some sort of trophy, you could not be more wrong. Frankly, if this is you, you really won’t get this.
A relationship needs to be one of mutual respect above all else, understanding, compassion, peace, healing, growth, empowerment, and love. You need to be there for each other and not in the shitty way you’re thinking. This is no where near mainstream ideas of relationships, in fact, get whatever ideas and expectations you have for a partner out of your damn head right this moment, before you continue reading.
Just so we’re clear, here’s what you need to stop doing:
Butterflies are not a sign you like someone, it could be wasps for all you know, just anxiety and intimidation which you mistake for attraction, and end up screwed. Think with your head for a moment not your libido, okay? Nope, don’t think about their friends, or what label the shella they run in has, or what school they go to and what that says about them. Don’t think of what they wear or who their exes are, don’t ask around for things that are vulnerable about them, and don’t you dare assume shit about them through their social media, because honestly? wtf.
Is there someone you want to be friends with? Don’t have expectations that it could be more, I’ve learned to go with the flow, also, stop listening to bullshit about “et2al/y”, it’s actual bullshit. Message them or talk to them, ask to get to know them, if they’re down, suggest a coffee date – do not get to know one another over WhatsApp, please. Don’t “dress to impress”, wear things that represent you, don’t think about what you think they’ll like, just go as yourself, you’ve got nothing to lose here hun. Going in, both of you need to lock your phones, order your coffee, sit down at a booth or table, and talk. Here are two great starters, play 21 questions, ask about their favorite color, what they do first thing in the morning, what their family is like, how/what they do at school/uni, etc If it goes well, if you find that you share things in common or you’re mutually attracted to each other’s mindsets so far, wrap up, promise to meet again, go your separate ways.
If you guys find yourselves talking and wanting to meet up again, here’s a great plan; both of you bring your closest friend, meet up at one of your places or a chill enough cafe, and bond over actual experiences. Don’t gossip, cause I’ve found this is all we end up doing, just don’t. Tell your stories, funny ones, sad ones, fluffy ones, relate to each other, we’re all human, we’re all social creatures, there’s always a point where we all feel we can relate to each other, talk to one another in the hopes of finding it, you will, trust me. The point of compatibility is that you guys need to fit. Your foundations have to be the same, if you’re mentally healthy, stay away from someone who is not, if you’re dealing with some problems, don’t even put yourself in the dating game, so on and so forth. It’s not about them, it’s about you. That person does not have to share your ideology, they just have to be compatible with your ways, I know that’s kinda unclear, so here’s what I mean:
Nayyirah Waheed wrote:
What I’m trying to say is, it is not who they are, it’s about how you both are, together.
That being said, you need someone who’ll be openly vulnerable with you, as you will be with them, someone who is consistently asking after your health, someone who recognizes your value and your worth, someone who is respectful to you – what you want and need, even if it is a rejection to a proposal of theirs. You need to be with someone who cares for your mental wellbeing, someone who is aware of the things that make you tick, someone who will discuss things with you instead of argue, someone you can sit down and talk with about anything and everything comfortably – including trauma. It’s not about telling stories of your exes or your bitches, it’s about being human, together, and finding solace in that. companionship. compassion. humility. growth.
Relationship Goals is not the shit Egyptian media feeds us, it’s also not the crap Netflix feed us. It’s about more than that.
Someone that nourishes you, takes care of your mental, emotional, and physical well being, someone who knows your needs and acknowledges them, someone you are willing to do the same with. Relationships aren’t about dates, they’re about growth. Your relationship has to be one where both of you have enough space to grow as individuals, all the while thriving together, your relationship is not your life, it is a part of your life, your relationship does not consume your every waking moment, it’s a loving part of your day, but that’s it. Moreover, you need breaks from one another, sometimes it gets suffocating, learn to push your ego out when you guys talk, one single tantrum can blow everything to shit for absolutely no reason.
You cannot put expectations on your partner and lover, you just let them be, you ask them to be themselves, and you take them, just like that, as they are, no questions asked, just respect, joy, and love. You also don’t get to throw the day or week’s worth of anxiety all over them, when upset, call them, tell them you’re upset, and either talk or ask for a couple of days off, but don’t you f*cking dare take it out on them, or suddenly disappear on them – that is entirely counterproductive and impossible, grow the f*ck up, please. Beyond all those things, quit the crappy restaurant and mall dates, go on adventures together, explore new places, bond over things that are new to the both of you, go to an art workshop, attend a local short film marathon, go check out a museum, I don’t care what you do, just quit the stereotypical suffocating shit, and thank you.
I’m officially done for the most part, just rethink your relationship(s), I’m going to come back with an actual guide on how to lead such a relationship, for now, think this over, digest it, and start having those as your standard.
Wishing you growth, peace, joy, and love,