I have commitment issues and no, I’m not ashamed of having them. I think it’s quite normal to have them. Choosing just one person to spend the rest of your life with? That’s pretty scary. What if they want to sleep on your side of the bed? What if they don’t like your favorite TV show? What will you both watch during dinner? What if you run out of things to talk about? What if you choose the wrong one? The “what if”s are endless, and not to mention terrifying.
I don’t think that there is a particular moment in time where I came to the conclusion that I myself do in fact have commitment issues. I don’t like the feeling of being tied down. I like options. I like freedom. And I hate being in relationships. Commitment issues – to me at least – have nothing to do with “love”. I can love someone and still not want to spend every waking second of my day with them. I can love someone and not want to talk with them everyday. I can love someone and choose not to spend the rest of my life with them. This isn’t some sad loner thing. I’m not a loner, on the contrary actually I’m very sociable. But, I like being alone. I don’t necessarily prefer it, but it’s nice. Just the thought of marriage or being with someone for an extended amount of time sends shivers down my spine. I don’t know why. It’s like, I love candy and sugar and whatnot, but i don’t want to eat it because i don’t want to gain a lot of weight. Or, maybe it’s nothing like what i just said. I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that, I don’t want to get married. At least not right now. Yes, I’m aware that I’m “just a kid”. And yes, my thoughts may change later on in the future. But as of right now, marriage is not something that keeps me up at night – or it does, but not in a good way.
Relationships are very complex. And I will say this one more time: commitment issues have absolutely nothing to do with love. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon in a way – on a completely unrelated note they should really make a Disney princess with commitment issues. I don’t love love – or i guess it’s not that i don’t love it, but more so that i don’t feel satisfied or happy in relationships. Not for a particular reason. I just don’t. Its something i just can’t explain. I love you, or maybe the idea of you. I don’t want things to become too serious. Maybe its because im goofy, or maybe its my commitment issues. I like it more when there is mystery and uncertainty. It eases me in some odd twisted way. But, when I look at relationships, im torn. I want it, but I don’t want the serious part. The part where it gets real. I don’t want to settle down. Settling down is boring. I don’t want the big house with the huge backyard and pool, not the perfect A* kids. I don’t want any part of that. Not even 1%. Yes, that would be nice in an ideal world, but we aren’t in an ideal world now are we? It’s nice to have someone there for you. Someone who loves you and cares about you. But, for some reason i don’t want that. I don’t want to be that couple. The it couple.
Love is simple. I firmly believe in that. But relationships are far too complicated. With relationships im not afraid as much of being hurt that i am of hurting someone else. I don’t want to just settle. I’m a free spirit and when i feel tied down, i panic. Even if it is someone that i love. I want to feel free. I want to explore and experience. I’m just a kid, settling is great but it’s just not for me, at least not right now.