In your everyday life you witness all kinds of people and groups or “squads” as some people say – I know *cringe* – and I can guarantee you that you, as well, have your own “shella” and most probably your own experience as well. And I can also guarantee that you probably feel like you are the odd one out of your group or as I like to say “enta/y nakera”. You feel as if you aren’t loved, cared for or appreciated. They don’t know your worth or value. You are left out and even sometimes they make plans in front of you and don’t invite you. You feel alone, like you have no friends. You are constantly uninvolved and left out in “hwarat” and conversations. Sadly, that’s been normalized for a reason.
This is how most friendships go nowadays, but they always ask you at the end why you don’t talk or tell them things about you or things happening in your life. They accuse you of being the bad friend, the dishonest one, the one that doesn’t care or appreciate the things they do – which is nothing. You feel like they all secretly hate you. That they hang out without you behind your back. That they have whatsapp groups that don’t include you, their actions and words you’re insured that all of these thought are real. You’re on the verge of leaving this friendship. You’ve reached the end of your patience and you just cant hold it in any longer. Well, what you don’t realize is that; all the others in that group feel the same way too.
So, why do you put each other through that? Why do you make one another feel all this hate and pain if you all feel this way, but you actually love each other deeply. When you do confront them one of the following two things happen. Either 1) your emotions are taken as a joke which just feeds your overthinking. Or 2) they turn it against you and suddenly it’s your fault. I think the problem is that we spend too much time in our heads to actually identify that this is an issue or to identify the source of all – or even some – of these emotions. You feel as useless and worthless as ever. You blame yourself, as if it’s somehow your fault, but, I’m here today to tell you that it is not.
Today, in this intense social war, everyone – or at least most – are fighting for who can get the most affection and attention – irrespective of whether that attention is good or bad. That is just the way it is. It absolutely breaks my heart when I see that happening between friends. When I see friends breaking and destroying not only the friendship they painstakingly built and maintained together, but also their very selves.
Personally, I would feel left out and excluded in my friend group, I thought it was somehow my fault. Shortly after, I started to blame my “friends” and question if they even really are my “friends”. I discovered then, that it’s not my fault, it’s not their fault, it’s our fault. Some people just clash together. Some people just cannot be friends. It is as simple as that. It’s like a chemical equation, really. Sometimes it’s balanced and sometimes it just isn’t and it’s hell to find the correct numbers to balance that chemical equation. But, sometimes when you finally do find those numbers everything just falls in place. It becomes the best friendship you could ever wish for. It’s not about the people individually. It’s about the combination of both – or all – these people mixed together.
It is difficult. You can be friends with someone outside of a group, but when you get mixed with a certain group its like you don’t even know them or vise versa. These aren’t “fake” or any of that. Some people just change with different groups. It’s like a switch in your brain. Like when you’re with your parents you’re this religious A* student who always does their homework and chores, but when you’re with your friends you are more outgoing, outspoken and rebellious. That’s not being fake because you are both of these people. The only difference is that you feel comfortable showing certain sides of you only to certain people. Yes, it may not be ideal but it’s not the worst thing in the world either.
There’s people who thrive and have a never ending hunger for love and attention, and some just don’t. There’re people who just can’t handle being in your shadows for a second, and then there’re people who genuinely wish you the best life could ever give you. Some people – myself included – just want to be involved. They don’t want to be left out. They want to feel like there’s people out there who genuinely give a damn about them. People who don’t take you for “masla7a”. Everyone feels like they “don’t belong”, even if they’re the most popular one in the friend group. That sucks honestly. It hurts and it kinda scars you, not going to lie. Someone told me “its the outcasts that make it big” but, will they really if we’re all “the outcasts”?