So, I think I have discovered that nightmares – much like dreams – can come true, I had the worst period week in my life, it was also my midterms week. Yep, I’ve got no comments on this, it was all pulling my hair out, holding onto a heat pad, screaming into my pillow, continuously swallowing ibuprofen, and vomiting while precariously balancing my laptop somewhere on my body and typing out 4 2000 word+ essays. It was a lovely week. Anyway, the point is, I have only survived what has now been deemed nightmare week through taking care of my period cramps, which included dumping the ibuprofen, now, even though I did not deploy even half of those methods, they could apply to you.
1- Erba is the love of your life
Yes I know winter is practically over – thank the heavens – and that the weather is starting to become near scorching, but heat pads are your best friend, ok? You can easily buy a heat pad from the pharmacy right down the corner of your neighborhood, just make sure to ask for something that’s of good quality, even if it will cost just a bit more, durability matters, because mainly, you’ll be using the heat pad a lot to soothe your aching uterus.
2- Maybe baths should be the love of your life
This one actually works, skip the shower, take a bit of extra time in filling up your tub with scalding hot water – yes, scalding not warm – you can add in some soothing scents like lavender or vanilla, or you can add something that will make your skin feel better too, like a cup of milk and 1/2 a cup of honey (trust me, it’s absolutely brilliant). The heat will literally soak into your body, thus calming your cramps. It could work better if you (while soaked) play some relaxing music and gently rub your tummy in anti-clockwise circles, don’t ask me why it works because I won’t pretend to know, I just know it does.
3- Ok, so maybe I know why a good belly rub works
Usually, this is done by therapists who know their shit, but, your rubbing will help – to a lesser degree – but it will help. Pick your favorite essential oil, pour a bit on your tummy, preferably when you’re dry, and slowly massage it into your skin. You can go with anti-clockwise circular motions, or you can knead different parts of your skin gently, you can focus only on your lower abdomen, but in any of those cases, it will work. The essential oils that are most recommended are lavender, almond, and if you can find any – sage. This is a way for you to accidentally hit on certain points in order to relax, if you actually are interested in learning the exact points and going from there, just click here.
4- Bye bye McDonald’s at 3 AM
I know you’re going through exams, maybe a breakup, I know you hurt and your teeth are practically begging for some chocolate fudge ice cream relief, I know your tummy aches for some McDonald’s, I know exams have pushed you to live through pizza and red bull – but that ain’t helping your case hun. So, for the love of god and all that is holy, quit the grease and sugar craze for a week. If you have to waste your entire month’s cash on Glow products, so be it, if it means no period cramps (I do that occasionally, by the way). Just, eat healthy for a couple of days, ask your mom to make you an exotic salad or try your hand at a berry smoothie, anything that will curb your cravings to subdue your menstrual cramps and pain is worth it, I promise.
5- Chug, dammit!
You know what a painful bout of cramps’ bestfriend is? Dehydration. Want to escape cramps? Chug some water, dammit. What is with this generation and refusing to drink water??? If not water, then chug some herbal tea, chamomile or raspberry or honey even (cinnamon especially), just chug things with no caffeine – herbal teas, infused water, and even plain water are very very very much recommended. Chug kids, it will save you from massive bouts of pain.
I say yoga because y’all cannot be bothered to hit a treadmill to save your life – or are too busy to do so – personally, I have picked this one area of my life to allow myself to be lazy in, so yoga it is. Honestly, practice on the bloody bed if you have to, just move. Yoga has so many healing properties, not only will it get your blood flowing, it will also stretch your muscles, help you breathe, and generally lead you to a more relaxed and “in the present” existence, obviously, it kills period cramps along the way. So, either go to a class – Amira Ayman, Heba El Ghazaly, and Farah Nofal – are the ones I’ve been told are most brilliant, or download an app if you’ve been to plenty of classes before, buy a yoga mat, and have at it in a corner of your bedroom – or your backyard.
7- Please don’t kill me, but orgasms help
This is an area much better suited for K, but you can exhaust research all you want, orgasms have been proven to alleviate period cramps. If you already get enough Os, good for you, if you do not and are not interested, also good for you. Don’t push yourself to do something you don’t want to do, but if it is something you already do, well, right before you know when your period will be visiting is the best time to get some practice, alright? This is not me pressuring anyone into involving themselves in anything to acquire orgasms, be it masturbation, hard sex, or any other sexual act you can think of, I’m just laying this out there as in option, take it or leave it, there’s no judgement either way, if you do though, just make sure you’re both safe and know what you’re doing.
If none of those methods work, then try a medication, but even if that does not work, then something is severely wrong and you need to visit your physician ASAP, ok? Anyway, I hope this helps, if you need any more period advice, just open the search bar above, type in “periods” and you may just find the answer to whatever it is you were seeking, if not – email firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll get on it, ok?
Till next time,