The word possessive means to demand another person’s total attention and love. And while the definition is mundane as it is an action most of us practice almost unconsciously but the way our generation has represented it is completely toxic and just over all bullshit.
It’s absolutely normal to be possessive of your partner and to want their love and attention directed towards you, but like anything in this world, being too possessive is destructive and toxic. But the too possessive part depends on your partner, some people like when their partner is possessive it makes them feel loved, while others feel suffocated, as they get the sensation that their partner is too clingy which can cause them to move away.
Some signs that show you’re smothering your partner are that your partner asked for space, but you rejected. Everyone needs alone time, to think and do their own thing without holding back, but if you refuse then they’ll feel uncomfortable and will try to do it behind your back, which in many cases- ends badly. Don’t feel offended when your partner asks for space, respect them and give them space- don’t dramatize the whole situation and think they want to break up. Another one is guilty tripping them when they ask for space. You’re not a baby, your partner isn’t your parent. They don’t need to be there for your every move. Don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to be alone for a while, that’s toxic. A need for space won’t only benefit them, but you as well. Make use of that time and think. Think of your actions towards your partner, and think of your role in the relationship.
You feel jealous of their friends. This happens way too much, and honestly why are you jealous? They chose you. They dated you. They love you. Why do you feel threatened of their friend? Because they’re being way too friendly? Well that’s how friendships work. You’re friendly to your friends.
Reassure yourself that your partner loves you and would never cheat on you, but if you are dating someone who’s known for cheating, well try your best to trust them, because they might change. If they love you enough they’ll do their best to stay, but if they don’t and end up cheating, well make sure to not be like Khloe Kardashian. Cut them off the first time don’t stick around for your heart to break even more, don’t stay with them because of the memories or a kid, and blame both parties. Don’t only blame the other person, they’re not the ones you’re in a relationship with, they’re not supposed to commit to you, but they’re supposed to respect your relationship and know it’s offlimit. But it still takes two to tango and your partner is in the wrong as well.
Here is the thing about jealousy it will drive you to do weird things, it will make people go out of the way to control the friendships you have with other people. They will continuously ask you questions about certain people to the point that you will be so fed up that you will try to cut them off. And, of course we cannot forget the good ol’ manipulation. Yes- jealousy is insecurity, and for one person to feel more secure to remove that negative part out they will find comfort in manipulation, in possible crossing boundaries they shouldn’t. The sad thing is that is done subconsciously under the illusion of love, and they will defend themselves saying that, but they too are victims of that illusion.
And, we can evidently see when we have hurt our partners, when they slowly distance themselves. They don’t talk as much anymore, they’re more quiet around you and don’t act like themselves- they’re not comfortable around you. And is the most hurtful and painful thing. Someone who was willing to do anything for you, has suddenly withdrawn from you and look at you as if you’re a stranger. You don’t share the love you used to have, you don’t have that spark that drew you two to each other, and you don’t look at each other the way you used to- eyes brightening once they see you, face lifting and mouth slowly spreading into a smile. Now they stare at you with dull, empty eyes, they’re frowning or forcing a smile, and mind full of questions, starting with “is it my fault?” and “why?”. Which brings us to our second sign- they look at you with the “how could you” look. Eyes full of hurt and suffering staring at while you’re watching TV or scrolling through your phone- unaware. Unaware of that your partner has become claustrophobic due to small cage you placed them in. Unaware that they can’t breathe properly due to your tight leash wrapped around their neck- suffocating them. That all your actions no matter how small they are makes them flinch. Your relationship at this point is not healthy, it’s toxic.
When we put this pressure on our partners due to our insecurity- questioning their actions, every friendship they have. Not only are we suffocating them but we are giving an impression that it is our role to ensure that they stay faithful to us. Any healthy relationship is one that allows you to love your partner and enjoy them while still allowing both you and them to enjoy your lives’.
But is it too late to repair a broken relationship? No, don’t worry, it’s never too late to stop or tone your possessiveness down. Take time for yourself. Take time to think about your actions and where your relationship is heading. Be open to change, not only a change in your relationship, but a change in yourself. While taking time for yourself you’re also giving your partner time to breathe and not depend on you. No matter their decision if they want to continue with you or not, accept it. You don’t have to agree, but just show that you changed, but accepting them and agreeing shows them you’ve changed. And maybe in the end they stay or maybe it wasn’t even meant to be.
Live your own life. Your relationship isn’t your life. Your life doesn’t depend on your relationship. If you live your life you won’t even have time to be possessive. Travel with your partner, show them the world, or just go to coffee shop down the street. Do anything with or without your partner don’t depend on them, but don’t neglect them. Live your own life, be you, having a partner shouldn’t really affect the flow or your life. Having a partner should enhance your happiness and your life experiences- not determine and deteriorate it.
Relationships are a fragile thing. Able to break at any moment, sometimes become beyond repair, and sometimes they’re repairable. If you want your relationship to last, be faithful. Being faithful doesn’t mean leaving all your friends and only dedicating your time to your partner- no, it means going out with friends, wearing what you want, while balancing a relationship and keeping in mind that you are not available for anyone romantically and sexually except for your partner. A relationship doesn’t mean confinement nor does being faithful. We need to trust one another, because honestly if there is no trust then what’s the point? Love is not enough. Trust, along with a bunch of other traits, are the reason why a relationship works. Trust makes the relationship healthy. Plus a way to stop being overly possessive is trusting your partner, after all possessiveness stems from jealousy.