I think I’m quite emotional and romantic too. Maybe it’s just in my mind? No, I don’t think so. I’m sensitive. I cry watching movies. I understand my friends’ emotions, I suppose. I do crave affection. I want love. I daydream about the “one”. I believe that what I need in a person is a true connection, a strong bond, a deep understanding. But everytime someone comes my way offering what I wish, I no longer want it.
I try to convince myself that it’s his problem. There was no spark. The other one was a pushover. And that guy? Never. He’s just not my type. It’s just that I’m not attracted and I can’t force attraction, right?
Wait. Wasn’t I the one who went home writing a poem about his eyes and sweet beginnings? Yea, I remember doing that. Now, the time I was attracted to him seems so far away. I did feel the butterflies in my stomach. I did think of him 24/7. I actually wanted him. I ALMOST fell head over heels. But that was then, in the sweet beginning, exactly before he showed me that he wants more. Before his sweet gestures of affection sent me running. Before he offered taking a step further. Before he asked me to let him love me.
Wasn’t that all I wanted? Wasn’t I the one who gave him a chance to know me? Wasn’t I the one who was interested first? Wasn’t I the one who let him in somehow? So why did I run away so quickly? Why did I run when all my daydreams started turning into reality?
When I think of this tendency of mine I find many reasons for it, but not one is reasonable enough. How come everyone seems to be the opposite of me? Apparently, everyone hates letting the wrong ones in but they do it anyway. But I can’t let anyone in. I hate it. Why do I do it?
Maybe I just don’t want commitment, scared of it even. I don’t need a relationship. It’s not the most rewarding thing to have for an 18 year old like me. I don’t want anything to pin me down. I don’t want a relationship to take from my time. I want to be free. I don’t want someone checking on me all the time. I don’t want all the obligations that come with a relationship, but I still want some romance though. It wouldn’t harm. It would fill some emptiness. I wouldn’t be the third wheel all the time. I would have something cool to tell my friends for once. But that’s not right. That’s not what I really want out of it. That’s not how a romantic like me should think. When I do have a relationship, it should be something deeper, something I want with all my heart. And that’s not the way I want it, even if I get jealous of couples sometimes. Since I want something true, it’s not going to be that easy. I shouldn’t settle for less than what I want. So, I shall wait.
I can see it now. I’m escaping reality. I do run away before things get real, because what I love is the fantasy. When I still don’t have him, the beautiful daydream of what can be of us is all I have. I imagine how it would be when we’re together. I fantasize about all the great things he would do. Go further into the daydream and I’m already naming our kids. Wait, no I’m not that desperate. I know It’s all rainbows and butterflies but that’s only until I get a glimpse of reality and the thing about reality is that it’s ALWAYS not even half as good as the daydream. I set the highest standards in my fantasies which results in getting slapped in the face when I see the real deal. You can say I just get disappointed so I leave. It’s even more disappointing to know that I’ll always be disappointed if I keep looking for those dreams.
Honestly, maybe I’m just scared of getting hurt. I learned that the closer I get; the riskier it is. When I give him my heart he could easily break it, but when I’m unattached, he’ll never get to hurt me. When I give him my time and energy I’ll have something to lose. So, I won’t take risks. I’m fine in my bubble. I’ll just stay in that bubble where no one can hurt me, like I was hurt before.
After all, I guess deep down I just don’t want to get close. I don’t want someone seeing all my insecurities, faults, and weaknesses up close. As much as I want someone to understand me, I don’t want to uncover all the ugly hidden parts of me. I can’t trust someone with that. You’ll say I’m not accepting of myself and that’s why I can’t accept anyone else. Well maybe that is it. I’m not confident about all of me and I don’t wanna show it. I don’t wanna bare my soul. I know deep down that’s all what love is about. I know it takes strength to show your weakness. It takes real love to show your lover all there is about you. But I just can’t be intimate with someone. I’m too vulnerable to show my vulnerability. So, now I know. I am not capable of love, until I love myself.
Now, my heart is tired from the constant straining while never reaching a safe place. I got addicted to the chasing, to the fantasies, to the sweet unpredictable beginnings, to the extent that I can’t accept reaching somewhere real with someone anymore. This is my comfort zone and I’m too afraid to settle for something real. My heart wore out from the chase that I loved more than what I was chasing.
Simply, it seems to me that I’m just afraid of love. I’ll just bear with being an emotionally unavailable hopeless romantic for now. Too bad I’m so in love with love, since I’m not ready to fall in love yet.