Thoughts That Only Hit You in the AM

By: Hedayette

“I did nothing today”

“I’ve been in bed all day”

“I’m useless”

“Ask them why they love you”

“You are never going to be OK again”

Each night, the voices get louder. The voices are sometimes so loud that you don’t want to sleep anymore. The noise floods your thoughts. It drowns you to the point of feeling numb, lifeless, non-existing. You told them to not come back, but they persist on doing so. Turning up the music so you can’t hear them, but they manage to outdo you. They make you feel so worthless. You want to run, but you know you can’t. A car flashing by your window gets your attention. Maybe you’re longing for someone to be waiting outside your window, telling you to get in the car to go on some adventure.

“That’s not what you want, not like someone wants you anyways”

Yes, they’re right, you think to yourself.

The moonlight shines through your dark, dark room. It matches your soul, doesn’t it? They discourage you so much, that your once white and pure heart is becoming stained and dirty. The echoes of death, sorrow, and unhappiness vibrate deep within. The state you’re in isn’t what you imagined for yourself as a little kid. Little you thought you would be happy, well, happier by now. It’s a bad feeling to disappoint someone so much, isn’t it? HERE But disappointing yourself… it isn’t that bad, well, not anymore at least. You’ve gotten so used to the disappointment to the point of it not making a difference. It’s seldom that you’re truly and genuinely 100 percent happy with yourself. Sure, the flashing smile, loud laughs and optimism, the mask you hide behind, can be convincing to people around you. But these people, the ones you call your friends, don’t really know you that well, do they? They know the ‘perfect’ you. The happy you. The smart you. They don’t know the sad you. The depressed you. The scarred you. It’s okay though, they’re probably hiding behind their own masks too.

“What were you thinking? You’ll never fit in here.”

“You are literally failing at everything.”

“Nothing about you warrants compassion or affection.”

They keep telling you that you’re not worth it. The part left of you, is fighting. It’s fighting to prove that you are worth it. That you are worth of people’s time, energy, and love. But that part of you is quickly silenced before it can say anymore.

You ask yourself, why me? Why do I have to go through this every night? Why do I need to take sleeping pills to be able to just keep one eye closed? Why am I still awake at 4 am, when I need to get up at 5. How many sleepless nights will I have to go through? There have been so many sleepless nights that I lost count. You don’t even remember the last time you got a good night’s sleep.

You don’t know how to answer any of these questions, yet the questions still keep coming. You don’t want to hear them anymore. But they still bombard you.

You feel your eyes starting to feel heavy, which to you, is one of the best feelings.

You’re finally asleep. Even if it’s just an hour.

Guess you’ll have to repeat it all over again tomorrow.

Darkness, a bit of light, and darkness again. It’s how it goes.

You try not to think, but silence kills too.

And once again, 4 am knows all your secrets.

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