Planning the Ultimate Valentine’s Retreat for Singles

By: Zeina El Mofty

Hello and welcome to the family. I’m Zeina, and you probably guessed it: I am happily single, always have been. That’s not what this is about though. If you are reading this right now, chances are, you are as single as me and everyone else reading this right now. In this case, I’m going back to my very first sentence. Hello and welcome to the fam bro.

Let me start off with a short story that is not at all reliable and I hardly remember. I hope I don’t mess this up. 6 years ago, my 5th Grade English teacher once told us the real story behind the infamous “Valentine’s Day”. Still not why I’m writing this, so long story short, there was a saint called –wait for it- St. Valentine. Basically, this man believed so much in love and he used secretly help lovers get married. What’s so special about that? Well, as far as I know, these two lovers being together caused complications in a way. Maybe their families didn’t approve, I can’t really remember. In other words, their love was umm…”Forbidden”. From that, we came up with “Valentine’s Day”. Can’t lie , I don’t really know why exactly it’s on the 14th Of February but what I know is that it’s a day directed towards “ Love “ . For me, Love isn’t necessarily something you feel towards a partner. As cheesy as it sounds, there’s so much to love than just that.

And I’m here to tell you how to appreciate these things, if not every day, on the day we feel loneliest. Valentine’s Day.

Allow me to tell you all the things you can and should do.

  1. Bye bye Pressure

Honestly, who am I kidding? There is no such thing as no pressure. I’m asking you to do one thing though. Keep it at its minimum, if that’s even a thing. By that, I mean we all obviously have work to do. Whether you have a job or a student, you’d have sh*t to get done. If you can pause all that for a day then that’s awesome, good for you. If you can’t, issokay my bro, just hear me out. First off, you better get a proper amount of sleep from the previous day. Trust me, you do not want to wake up cranky. Next up, I want you to have your breakfast the way you love it. I don’t care if you prefer Pancakes or Foul bel beid, just make it happen okay? Then, I need you to finish everything you’ve got going, and I need you to finish it fast. The last thing you need is something that would shut off your mood. As soon as your work is done (or in my case, the work is done with you) , move onto Phase two.

2. Bromance

This is one of the most important for today. I need you to be at your absolute maximum SpongeBob mode today. I need you to tell everyone and everything you love how much you love them. No matter how much it might annoy them, just do it, because believe me or not, they need to hear it. Tell your parents, siblings, doggo, best friends and anyone who makes you happy how much they do. Next up, you’re going to call your single best friends (your bros :3 ) , and you are going to tell them ( correction: order them ) to go out with you. And you guys better not just go to a café and just sit there like a bunch of 60 year olds (no offense to 60 year olds). You should go on a God-damned adventure. I can’t tell you what exactly to do because I’m not sure how much of a weirdo you are, but a can sure suggest some stuff. Ya’ll can go to somewhere stupid like Magic-Planet or a Trampoline Park, go to historical places and take bomb-a** pictures, go out and party or have a girls night (and also party) , eat your favorite food and then go for ice-cream or even dance in the streets for all I care. Do anything crazy and exciting for a change. Unless your friends are lame. In that case, I can’t really help you. You can either make whatever lame thing they decided to do fun, because you are awesome, or just go get yourself new friends bro. Either way, just have fun okay?  Ooo, I almost forgot. Two Words: Look Bomb.

3. Dessert

As your last treat for the day, chill. Pamper yourself, have a warm bath, put on a face mask and watch a movie before bed. Relax because you and I both know how much we are always tired, so just grant yourself a chill night. Unleeeesssssss……..you’re sleeping over at you best friend’s. one, that would rock, and two, you could do the whole chill thing together (minus the bath part ofc).

And by that, you’ve got yourself an almost perfectly planned Valentine ’s Day. I want you to enjoy it as much as you can. I know you’ll hardly follow or listen to this whole thing I wrote, and I’m not judging you because I don’t know if I could commit to such plan either to be honest. Let’s just agree to both try. I’m sorry if this is cheesy or if I made you cringe in anyway. Allow me to say one last thing: Self-love is the most important out of everything else you love, so you better embrace that on Valentine’s Day and every other day you can. Act like it’s your birthday, thanksgiving , Ramadan and Christmas all at once.

You are awesome and I love you.

Hashtag cringy .

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