Hating Your Ex Won’t Help You Get Over Them – Here’s What Will

By: Rawan Aboseif

Also titled: Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness

It is no wonder most people develop deep love and desire for other people. You start wanting them involved in your daily life. You date for a while, and things are all hearts and flowers. But since life is a bitch, things somehow come to an end between the two of you. Now, you are filled with rage, anger, and hatred. You feel like you are trapped in the remains of that relationship.

Dating other people only makes you think more about your ex. You compare your new life to the one you had with your ex. You reminisce about something that no longer exists. It is kind of worse when that person is your first. Firsts are always viewed as something special, memorable, and unforgettable. We tend to thin of firsts in that manner that we actually refuse to let memories of our first go. However, it is harder to let your anger and hatred out than it is to let go of someone.

Letting go of someone and moving on with your life is you deciding that things are over and that you want something new. You cut someone out of your life, because they are no longer there anyway. Hatred has a totally different pathway though. Your hatred towards your ex is derived by your anger at them for leaving you and terminating something that used to be a source of happiness to you.

When you date someone, that person becomes your friend and your go-to in times of need. Suddenly, you feel like you lost all that at once. The feelings of loss and sadness turn into hatred in some cases. You start thinking that your ex is the reason of your misery. You start blaming them for all the shit you are going through. Let me break it to you in a simple manner. You should not hate your ex. As a matter of fact, you probably don’t even hate them. Before you get all angry at me as well, hear me out.

Sometimes, it’s not even your ex’s fault the breakup happened. You are a human being too. You have flaws too. You can be toxic too, even if you don’t intend to be. Maybe your ex didn’t want to leave you, but they saw the truth of this relationship before you do. Maybe the two of you weren’t even similar. At the beginning of every relationship, the two of you are blinded y the thrill and the attraction between you two. You start looking for reasons to be together rather than reasons to stay apart. Once the thrill is gone and the two of you are in a relationship, the differences start floating like an ice cube on water.

Some differences are negligible. Others however are major. Some differences start causing most of the fights between the two of you. Most of these fights would probably end in one of the two parties letting go of their beliefs or any aspect of their personality just to get the relationship going on. It stays like that for a while, until the ice cubes start blocking the water from flowing. That is when one of the parties decides to take the hard step of letting go of the relationship; not because they don’t have feelings for their partner, but because the relationship is doing more harm than good.

A ground rule of dating is for the two parties to take their time knowing each other well. Most people end up skipping that ground rule. Movies and TV shows got us believing in love at first sight and the idea of meant to be. Personally, I don’t believe in this crap. You don’t immediately fall in love with someone. Love comes after seeing that person at their best times and worst times. It comes after helping them fight their weaknesses and fears. Love comes after struggles. Love comes when that person becomes an essential part of your day; without them, life becomes tasteless and dull.

However, we see a movie of two people see each other and immediately get charges flowing between them. Honey, you are not an electric plug and an outlet. It is much more complicated than that. Still, these ideas cripple through our heads ever since we started watching Disney movies as kids. Such ideas make us feel rushed into having a relationship. They set a fake checklist that we follow blindfolded on a dead-end road. In that case, let your anger out on your TV, not you ex.

Know this for a fact, hating someone means you still have emotions for them. When you hate, you think about them a lot. You start giving them your attention. You let them control your mood and mood swings by at least thirty-to-fifty percent. You let them be your distraction. You can zone out just to think about them. You give them attention when they are around you. The question is, aren’t these the same phases and thoughts you had when you were crushing on them? Didn’t you do most if not all of the above mentioned ideologies just in a positive, loving way? Yes, you did. Now, you are doing the same thing just in a negative, harmful way.

What’s worse is, you are only hurting yourself. You are only exhausting and frustrating your own self. You are not giving yourself some space to get better and grow. You are clinging to the past in the worst way possible. It is no longer you reminiscing or remembering the moments to smile and look back on them later. Now, it’s you doing this just to get yourself mad. Just to act negative to yourself. Just to tell yourself you were stupid for falling and they weren’t worth it for not catching you. Just do everyone a favor, and yourself first, please take it easy and let it go.

I recall talking about being blinded before, although now I will address it in a completely different way. Remember how you would sometimes be so angry at your parents that words come out like “word vomit”, and yea, I am quoting Cady from Mean Girls. You feel like your brain zoned out completely, and the words kind of came out on their own. Well, something similar can happen here too. You can continue with your hatred, which is derived by feelings of sadness and anger, until you do something that never looked like you. You could end up making wrong decisions and following fallacious paths just as a comeback to your ex. Guess what! Your ex probably doesn’t even care. Your ex probably isn’t giving you attention to even know what’s happening in your life. What does that leave you with? It leaves you with some bad decisions and wrong actions that never looked like you for you to remember for some long time until you learn to forgive yourself, which does take longer than you think sometimes. You would lose yourself. You would get defeated by your hatred and wrath until you no longer recognize your own self.

Toxicity does not only apply when other people do it to you. You can hurt yourself more than others could ever do. When you let your anger control you, you are being toxic to yourself. When you blame yourself or someone else too much for everything little thing in your life, you are being toxic to yourself. When one negative thought becomes the center of your universe, you are being toxic to yourself. When you refuse to live and let other live, you are being toxic to yourself. When you refuse to let go of something that ended, you are being toxic to yourself. When you hold on to something that shall never come back, you are being toxic to yourself. Help yourself recover instead of putting yourself down. Lift your spirits instead of letting them focus on their loss.

Putting the cliché aside, lighting a candle is a thousand times better than cursing the darkness. Even if it takes you too long to find the candle or the match; even if every time the wind would blow away your match right after you light it, it still beats staying in darkness and focusing on nothing but cursing it. Cursing the darkness won’t turn it to light. Darkness can’t take darkness away, only light can do that. Lastly, for sure something as beautiful and lively as love should never be replaced by hatred or wrath.

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