Now this is a normal process I go through regularly. The feeling of not knowing why you’re feeling a certain emotion, and i wish it was a positive thing, but unfortunately it’s a negative thing. Being angry, being irritated, feeling as if you’re worthless, or feeling on edge are emotions we all feel sometimes- but what’s not comforting and even more irritating is not knowing why.
I’m so tired of angering people around me and going off on them for absolutely no reason. I’m so tired of feeling on edge instead of being happy. I constantly feel as if I’m odd for not knowing why. Why am I yelling? Why am I crying? Why is my heart beating rapidly at the thought of something simple? Why am I like this? I feel constant pressure to be normal and trust me I try, but suddenly an emotion overtakes my senses and i don’t realize what I’ve done until the emotion dies out. I’ve lost and damaged friendships. I’ve been called difficult multiple times- my anger is unpredictable, my happiness is rare, and my sadness is constant. But is it really my fault if I don’t know why?
Is it my fault if I can’t control it? Yes. I am at fault. I’m not going to blame others and use it as an excuse to cover up the ugly truth. I’m not always going to be a victim just like I’m not always going to be the villain. The causes may seem unknown, but that doesn’t mean that I have the right to make someone feel shitty because of it. That doesn’t mean I can worsen or ruin someone’s day because of my unsourced emotions. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to admit that you’re wrong, but I feel anything but that. I feel like a coward for realizing it and not acting on my realization. I feel like a coward for not owning up to my mistakes. While I was thinking about if I’m at fault or not I wrote no. I stared hard at the two-lettered word that’s full of denial. It felt wrong. It may not be my fault for feeling that way, but the way that I carry out my emotions.
The way I express myself. My negative body language. My hurtful words that cut wounds into my friends skin. My face that contorts in either disgust or anger. My glaring eyes that express enough emotions for words not to be needed. I love to act like a good person, but I will proudly admit that I’m severely flawed and in multiple cases- am not a good person. I can be horrid. I’m human. As much as there’s goodness inside me there will be evil. Sometimes the scale is imbalanced which is why we’re all different. Act differently, think differently, and express ourselves differently. It’s okay to admit you’re at fault. In my eyes you’re the most brave person. The fact that you’ve admitted you’re wrong in a society that deems being wrong as a sin- I’d like to tell you that you have moved one step in your journey of loving yourself and not giving a fuck.
Good job, babe! I’m proud!
I know it’s disappointing that this article wasn’t about discovering the causes. I know this won’t help get rid of the frustration, but I hope that I’ve lessened it. You don’t deserve this, no matter how much you think you do. You don’t deserve sadness, anger, or any negative emotion, but we’re humans. Instead of suppressing it- embrace it. Embrace that you’re at fault. Embrace that sometimes you’ll get angry. Embrace that sometimes you’ll be sad. Embrace it, but don’t let it takeover. Don’t let it control you. Don’t ruin someone’s day and then say “Well I’m human, it’s okay!”. No it’s not. Embrace your flaws, accept you’re wrong, and try to solve your mistake. Don’t expect someone else to fix them or for them to mend themselves.