I am so scared of commitment. I do not think I can even describe how scared of commitment I am, it is probably why I hate the idea of marriage so much and why I am so against it, not in general of course but strictly speaking about myself, I get so defensive whenever someone says that they can’t wait to see me in my wedding dress or some bullshit. I am not talking the standard defensive of: “why is this *insert name* talking about my personal life?”. I am talking large scale defensive, as in my parents would bring anything up to do with me having a child or possibly having a husband one day and I would snap into a full on rant on how I would never get married- but, and there is always a but one which I would not necessarily say out loud, one which I say quietly in my head after I finish my rant: unless I meet the right person.
How likely is that in my head, in my dreams, in my fantasies? Almost never. I have always pictured myself alone in terms of relationships, I am always surrounded by all of these people. All of these brilliant people that I love so much, but when I go back home at the end of the day, in the end of my dream I am alone. It is quite literally me, myself and I. Unless, of course, you consider my bed, coffee table and closet to be people. The thing is, I am not upset about it. I am not scared of being alone, I am scared of not being surrounded by people I love and trust. I am scared of not being happy. I am scared of being in a relationship.
I know I am scared of commitment. That is a definite. I am scared of something, maybe cause I have never done it, and we humans fear what we do not know, but many people have it easy they go in and out of relationships all the time. I also know I am not the only one that has relationship anxiety.
Relationships are always glorified as these really really pleasurable things, but yet, there are so many people who would be head over heels with someone but if they feel like their relationship is about to take one more step up the ladder they freak out and leave. Why? Why is it so scary? It’s because all we can think about are things which put us back: like will this work out? Or Do they really like me? And when we have all these doubts in our heads, all these fears and questions we feel anxious and scared.
Maybe, it is the fear of being emotionally tied down, of maybe one day these emotions will fade and that person that you love and value so much right now, may mean nothing to you in a few months or years scare you. I am a very emotional, sensitive person. I cry a lot, and I rule with my heart more than with my brain, and if I think that one day I won’t be able to see the people I love- just the thought scares me and makes me cry and think a lot, and to think that one day a person I value I will no longer be able to see them in the same light. Oh god, that just crushes me and inflicts pain in every chamber of my heart.
I am scared of loving someone so much that they do not love me back. I am scared of being so emotionally invested in a person that does not see me. Because, it hurts. It hurts to love and not be loved. It hurts to show attentions and get back silence. It is the fear of loving so much, of opening your heart to a person and have them not give back that scares anyone who is anxious when it comes to relationships. They are all silent fears. Little, crazy thoughts which roam in our heads and we almost never utter, which make us scared of commitment.
There is this critical inner voice in my head which never shuts up that tells me I could never be in a successful relationship, that tells me no one is going to love me for me, and I love myself so much that I am willing to risk being always alone if I know that someone will try to change me to love me.
I want to experience a relationship of course, but I am also scared of me.
I am scared I will run away and leave, I am scared I will run out of love. I am scared I will not be able to give. I do not like to break people and I hate seeing people broken. I also do not hate people. I would use the word but would probably never mean it. If I am with someone who loves me I would hate to leave, it would shatter every piece of my heart to see them broken, and the thing is I do not think I can stay long.
I would rather be broken, I would rather be cheated on than be the person that leaves and cheats. I hate to be the one that inflicts pain but I would be the vessel that carries pain and shards of glass if it means that I do not have to hurt a person that I love even if it means they will hurt me. I, may then choose to leave but I will leave because I also love myself. It’s not vanity, but I know my worth and I hope I will always remember this.
I am a person who gets easily bored, never with people until now, but it is still part of my personality and that too scares me.
I know this isn’t really a guide to get over your relationship anxiety and it is not really much help, but it is an insight on all the thoughts you may be hushing. I am sorry that maybe you did not want to think of all these things, but trust me nor did I. Maybe, if you see them and try to overcome them and think them through you will overcome that fear, that crawling thought that you cannot commit to a relationship.
P.s: trust me I did not intend to get so emotional.