How to Get an “A” On ANY Essay

By: Zeina El Mofty

I. Hate. Writing. Essays.

Hey don’t give me that “what even” face. I get that it doesn’t make sense because, as a writer, literally all I do is write essays but I’m about to make it make sense.

Okay no, when I read this again it doesn’t make sense I’m sorry. Allow me to correct myself. I hate writing essays for school. Period. I bet you do too, I mean, we are restricted to a topic, a word limit which is always either too much or too little and a barely any time to write before the deadline. Why would someone possibly like them (no offense if you do, God bless you bro), but like, why?

I’m not here to discourage you though, I’m here to tell you can still kill that God damn essay, regardless to hating it. Last May, I was being examined for English as a second language, and I was supposed to write two essays, each with a very unclear topic that I didn’t even understand.  I could’ve sworn my first essay were off-point and I didn’t even get to finish the other, so already acknowledged the fact that I’m getting a B. Well, 5 months later, I ugly-cried in satisfaction when I found out that I got an A*. I know what you’re thinking, I can see your “what even” face through the screen AND I TOLD YOU DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. Ehm, okay I’m chill now. Let me tell you one thing, it’s not that I was or am lucky, It’s just that I apparently killed the essay before it got a chance to screw me over. And here’s how you can do it too.

Warning: I’m not about to blurt out some writing rules I was taught at school because:

 

  • I have a memory of a fish and can’t remember a word.
  • They are too lame.
  • I bet you already know them.

 

 

 

  • Breathe bro:

 

Whether you think you don’t have enough time, that you suck at writing or that this essay would be an absolute failure, forget all about that and breathe. So what if it sucked? It’s not like your dog died or McDonald’s is shut for good (God Forbid). Just chill. The last thing you need is unnecessary panic before even starting.

 

 

  • Let the topic sink in:

 

Doesn’t matter if you do or don’t completely understand what exactly your writing should be about. What you need to do is, allow your brain to soak in and understand the topic with the capacity it wills to occupy. Stick with the obvious meaning behind the topic and keep your inner philosopher actually in you.

 

 

  • Plan:

 

I’m not telling you to draw mind maps or to write down bullet points. Just know the sequence you’ll display your content in. Quite simple yet essential step.

 

 

  • Structure:

 

Fun fact about me: I have OCD.  Please just, bless your essay with good structure and my eyes will send you virtual love letters, I promise. Dividing your piece into paragraphs is as easy as peeling a banana.

 

 

  • Know your audience:

 

You don’t need whoever’s reading your essay to yawn. Just use the language and expressions that are already compatible with the beautiful ears of your targeted audience. Yes, I did just compliment strangers’ ears and I have no idea why.

 

 

  • #TotallySpies :

 

It’s always better to maintain a thrill, that’s why I recommend you pretend you’re on a mission (which is kind of lame but oh well). Write like it’s your last thing you’ll ever do, like your pen’s on fire. Write like your life depends on it. (Pew pew gunshots)

 

 

  • Never enough:

 

I don’t care how long your essay is, write until it feels enough. Don’t restrict yourself with a word count, ever. Let me tell you a little secret I probably shouldn’t, I always cross the word limit.

 

 

  • Make sure your mama loves you:

 

If she doesn’t wyd man? Who else is praying for you?

 

 

  • Red Carpet:

 

Write with confidence or don’t write at all. Even if you’re babbling or writing meaningless words, freaking own them. Allow your confidence to radiate as you write- do it without hesitation. Trust me, people stan a confident queen/king. (Finger snap)

 

 

  • Flow:

 

I also don’t care if you broke your initial plan or that you swerved from the lane you were moving in at the beginning of your essay. As long as your pen is flowing, whichever direction, let it flow and don’t look back.

 

 

  • Moi:

 

No, I’m not giving you a kiss. This is just the last and most important step: character. The reader must be able to recognize you through your language, ideas and way of expression, without needing to check your name. You are the most important element and, as cheesy as it sounds, you have to find yourself within the lines of your essay.

 

                       That’s pretty much it.  Eleven steps to ace any essay, made up by a complete stranger you are    (hopefully) willing to trust. I hope you learned anything from my essay, feel free to give me a grade in the comment section. Okay ew, what a bad pun. Anyways, if you read this far, thank you *hearts*!  May your lives be filled with the least amount of essays and infinite slices of pizza.

 

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