By: Menna Doubal
Trigger warning: mentions of death, loss, betrayal, and more. Very dark.
Someone once said: “One of the most bittersweet feelings has to be when you realize how much you are going to miss a moment while you’re still living it.”
How cruel is that? Some would even call you mad. Others would say that you had summoned the bad fortune upon yourself. You’d be called pessimistic, a buzzkill. Just enjoy the moment while you’re at it. Live for the day. The thing is; you strongly wish you could, but you were programmed to think otherwise.
You’d be on a 4 hour call with a friend yet you’d be pondering about the time when you wouldn’t even know each other. You’d be walking with the love of your life, holding hands by the river Nile, while you’d be anticipating your break up in your mind. The time when you wouldn’t even dare to bring eachother’ names. I call it the curse of “Overthinking”.
The sad thing is: you’re not born an over thinker, you’re forced to be. Life made you that way. It drove you into a dark hole and never showed you the way out. It first happened when you were just a child. The time when you lost your grandparents; the people you connected with the most. The ones that used to make silly faces just to make you smile. The ones that used to tell you bedtime stories and brought you the most amazing gifts ever. The ones who sheltered you from your raging mom when you broke her treasured vase. They are no longer here. Now you have to accustom yourself to your life without them.
It occurred again when you had to switch schools and abandon your friends for 5 years. You find yourself in a new environment: new teachers, new people. But you’re all alone. You start looking around, maybe you’ll find another soul as lonely as yourself. That’s solely if you’re lucky. You try to fit in. You fail. Or you succeed. It doesn’t even matter. The point is life is no longer the same, you’re no longer the same. You changed to accommodate the change. You adapted. And your friends; your safe haven, are lost forever.
The curse reinforces tremendously when you experience your first heartbreak. Might it be from a best-friend or a lover. Those are the people whom you share the vast memories with. The ones that dig the deepest wounds. Your relationship might have ended with a fight or maybe you never had your closure at all. The reminiscing starts to haunt you bad. Not sparing you from your thoughts of the “what ifs”. What could’ve happened if I didn’t say that? Or maybe I should’ve done that instead. The guilt creeps up on you. It engulfs you. It’s ruthless. It leaves you with nothing but your nagging thoughts. You’re drowning.
After everything you’ve been through. After all the betrayals and losses, what’s really expected from you? To live each day by its own like tomorrow never exists! Even if that’s your desire, how could you? Your mind is now programmed to overthink as a protective mechanism. As a shield to cushion you from future misfortunes. Because at the end, when someone fades once more, you can tell yourself with no regrets and no self-pity: “I knew it”.