Even though I always preach about self love and self care; about how you should love yourself and give your body and mind a break from all the self hatred. I’m proud to say that my self love journey has just begun. I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’ve just started to love myself – actually all I’m feeling is absolute euphoria.The fact that it took me 14 years to love my body and my mind is astonishing, but I’m glad my journey started.
Before my journey I tried hard to love myself, but always struggled and failed, because I couldn’t bring myself to realize that I’m worthy. Worthy of love, care, and happiness. With each failure I just stopped and went to a gloomy place where I blamed myself for everything. “I’m a failure”, “This is all my fault”, “No one loves me”, and my personal favorite “No one loves me, because I can’t love myself.” Each of these statements are false. If you ever said these things to yourself then you need to say this with me.
I’m worthy of everything. I will and can succeed. This is not my fault, I just needed to think things through. Everyone makes mistakes; it’s normal and not the end of the world (no matter how much you or anyone overreact). Not everyone has to love me, and I don’t have to love everyone. Just because I don’t love myself doesn’t mean no one can love me. It’s okay to give yourself a break and be alone.
If you skipped reading that part I totally understand, because I also used to skip them a lot, because they never seemed to work on me. They never gave me this euphoric relief that everyone talked about. I felt nothing. And that’s normal, because just saying it once won’t convince you after years of self hatred. Saying it once won’t make you forget all the pain you’ve been through. Saying it once won’t wipe all the tears you’ve shed and are yet to shed. At least it didn’t for me.
No matter how much my friends or family complimented me, I just never believed them. Their words went through one ear and out of the other. I needed to convince myself and only when I’m absolutely convinced will I start believing others. Convincing myself wasn’t an easy journey, but when I was finally convinced it was the sweetest victory I’ve and will ever experience. When I started shedding all the layers of pain and suffering and just looked at myself, pointed out the things I slightly like, and went “You know what? I look cute and I don’t give a shit if people think the same or not,” everyday. It didn’t work at first and I was so tired of failing that I actually stopped.
Stopped trying to save myself from failing and falling deeper into my black hole, but that only resulted in the exact opposite. I fell deeper and deeper to the point where I was surrounded by nothing, but darkness and the only why to get back up was to start the process all over again which resulted in me hurting myself multiple times, falling deeper and not knowing how to bounce back up, and just absolute agony.
But I survived. No matter how many time I cry, fail, or fall deeper, the only thing that keeps me going on is the fact and I will survive. I will succeed and I will thrive. Everyone’s journey is different. Some have different endings, or no ending at all. Some have a harder time and others loving themselves is natural and easy. Not everyone will survive, not everyone will go through the same thing, but what matters is that you tried and I truly hope you hang on and succeed, because the beginning has such a bittersweet and euphoric taste.