Note: This is the outcome of weeks trying to write five hundred words on my current state and being stopped by the interference of pain, confusion, and fear. So if you are not willing to accept the fact that during the writing process I am confidently unstable and thinking out loud, then find you another piece to read. I do not value your assault but instead your acceptance and appreciation of both the perfections and the flaws.
I am writing this on a rainy day, at a very far away country. To meet or see my source of pain, I have to cross an ocean or two. The pain still manages to get into my thoughts and run inside my veins. I feel it everywhere I go and everytime I look into something that could or could not be related. Nowadays, everything reminds me of how it was being with him. At the same time, I keep getting reminders that it was not leading me to where I always dreamt to be. The journey to where dreams come true requires pain and determination. It requires knowing your priorities and leaving behind whatever keeps you behind. I know that by heart, by mind, and by soul. I know that I’m too young to feel what I felt, but maybe not. There are lots of stuff that remain undiscovered and that is when I start questioning.
Tell me how the hell is it called letting go when he lives inside my thoughts? How am I expected to pursuit my dreams when everytime I pause, it is him? How can my mind be guiding me left when my heart is guiding me right? Why is it so painful to do something I know is right? Why do I feel like those wounds will never heal? Even worse, why is everyone telling me that it’ll be alright? I have got so many questions for whoever has meaningful answers. I know I usually write answers that come from hours of overthinking. Now, however, I need answers for questions that came from hours of overthinking.
Am I right for pursuing the path that is best for my future? Am I wrong for letting go of what makes me happiest now? It feels like two forces pulling me in two opposite directions but I’m not at equilibrium; i’m instead shifting back and forth. I am lost in waves that are sometimes strong and other-times subtle. Someone tell me what the fuck is that? What the fuck am I doing? How and when will I be sure of the steps I take? Someone explain my pain because I am tired of making explanations that could make sense today but wont tomorrow and didn’t yesterday.
I usually like my downs for I know that good times shall follow. This time though, I feel like I am not down enough and not up enough. I am instead lost between both lands, hoping I stand where I’m supposed to be.I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.I fear not being who I used to be before him. I fear him reading this. I fear the consequences. I fear regretting this. I am hurt, lost, and afraid. Will I lose myself if I took the easier way? Will I know where I stand?
If you are reading this part of my article then you have made it inside and outside of a maze so complex. I am honestly so proud of those who made it to this sentence with full belief that my emotions are valid and common. I hope one day this pain will be of use. I hope one day I publish an article titled “thoughts of (some other month)” to tell you I made it through this. I hope I make myself and – more importantly- those who care for me proud.
Email me feedback, answers, reflections, or rants xoxoxo