6 months into their relationship, he started to find peace and happiness in so many things, but her. Pleasing and getting him to tell her that he loves her became a daily task that was so hard to get done. She didn’t understand the reasoning behind the creation of distance and the hardness of his heart towards her. He started becoming so used to her scent, it made her nauseous. She started mixing things up a bit to amuse him: cutting her hair, showing more skin, offering him things she’d never thought she’d be doing with someone she’d rate 7/10, losing weight, gaining weight, wearing less lipstick and such.
The her trying to amuse him has lost herself in so many chapters of so many books, she forgot who she really is. Ironically, the girl that read a lot of books became air-headed. Air-headed in the sense that she’d do something so wrong and something that is totally against what she believes in for someone who was about to give her heart the loneliness of the world in a matter of days. The she I present might sound plain, but she wasn’t. She was blessed with big brains and a body that she considered appealing according to society’s definition of beautiful and sexy. When she wanted to amaze people with her public speaking skills, all they would stare at is her chest. When she debated about the liberation of Palestine, all they would stare at are her luscious lips. When she wanted to educated the masses on the effects of media on people’s minds, all they would stare at is her behind.
She tried to use her brains to appeal to many but she failed. She even tried to make him more intellectual and sentimental but that did not seem to go as planned. In a maze, anxious that she is going to lose what she understood to be love back then, she felt like she was being too smart about something too simple. It didn’t need that much math. Still using her brain, she came to the conclusion that we’re all hormonal creatures and maybe that’s the key to his interest. She didn’t blame herself for the sexual frustration but then she did. She started paving the way to his quench his thirst. She started sexting and she’d always take a shower afterwards because she felt so disgusting doing it. The sexting turned into provocative pictures of her in a see-through top with a bra underneath. Sadly, she never felt as satisfied as he was; even his compliments weren’t as flattering as the compliments he gave her about the freckle under her eye. She kept on doing her thing just to make him feel happy. And to feel loved. She then decided that the boundaries between them should disappear.
She has always believed in the theory that the naked soul is much more beautiful than the naked body and her belief was deepened when she started to lock her door, when she her clothes touched the ground, when her phone’s camera went off, when she’d take a picture 5-10 times because “they didn’t look big enough”, when she’d overreact to someone’s nudes being leaked and then asks herself “Am I next?”
Am I next?
To be continued…..