Haunting Thoughts Don’t Only Visit at 3 AM

By: Hadeel

As I open my eyes and take a huge breath of relief I suddenly notice that it’s not over. The struggle isn’t over. No matter how much I try to break free there’s always going to be something waiting for me. The dread I feel as I walk closer. Taking step by step, slowly but surely nearing my destination. I pause for a bit for I can’t help but think about how lonely I am.

The loneliness that has made a home in my head and filled my heart with emptiness. I can’t be late. As I started walking again I couldn’t help but feel very restless and uneasy in my own skin. I just don’t feel okay. I shake my head. Why am I so fucking stupid? Some people have actual problems. I walk faster. I can’t be late.

‘Why is everyone so happy? No one really likes me. Why can’t I be happy? Everyone is so positive, except me. Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal?’ those are some questions that I always think about. I can always feel them creeping and I feel the pure agony and confusion they leave behind. Many unanswered questions cross my mind, but all I can do is shake my head slowly. I turn to the left and I see a long staircase. I’m so close; I only have 2 minutes left.

As I climb the stairs I start feeling breathless. My insecurities are rising up and this is not a good timing. ‘I need to lose weight’, ‘all the others are fit and beautiful and I’m the odd one out’, ‘They’re only my friends, because they pity me’. I need to stop. Why is this happening now? As I take a right and push against the door and walk into an empty, and eerily quiet hallway. I can’t help but think that this hallway represents my mind. It’s empty and the only person wandering around is me.

I go in circles thinking that I’m heading the right way, but messing up and returning to the starting point. But in this case I know exactly where and when the hallway ends and I can actually find my place out of here. As I climb the small set of stairs the thoughts that cross my mind leave me bothered. I thank God as I walk inside the classroom. I smile faintly for my thoughts have left me speechless and vexed. I have made it on time. Now I just have to adjust my facade and act as if everything is okay.

Swallowing the pain and mocking it. Stepping all over my self esteem to make others feel better. As the teacher began the lesson. I look in front of me and for some reason I can’t shake off the dread I feel. Dread that the thoughts that crossed my mind could be true left me irked and restless.

But as I tuned into the lesson I noticed that maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe others hide behind their facade too. Even if others have real struggles doesn’t mean your struggles are any less important. Slowly I start answering all of my once unanswered questions.

Just because I’m not happy or positive doesn’t mean that I’m not normal; it just means that I look at the world in a different way and perspective. If I’m going to lose weight I’m going to lose it in a healthy way and because I want to. Not wanting to lose weight doesn’t mean your body isn’t beautiful it just shows the diversity between people and that everybody has a beautiful body no matter how it looks. The thoughts in your head are just thoughts. They don’t have power over you and they don’t define you.

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