By: Mai Amr
This message is a work in progress and one that’s been a long time coming. As you know, we’ve had some unresolved issues in the past and I think it’s about time I take them up with you. In the beginning, we had a good relationship you know.. I left you with sugar and spices – sweet treats with comfort. But as things began to change, I started abusing you a bit more. Although I never realized anything was wrong with you, or myself even, the comfort began to slowly fade away. My canvas full of colors and vibrant energy began to fade away as you grew larger in size and hidden in loose threads. Being seen with you in raw and visible materials, brought along more attention to you then I ever thought it should.
As things got tougher, you kept me warm and I kept you satisfied, filling you with junk and I apologize for that. But you changed, you made me hear the “ugly”, the “fat”, the “I could never look like someone like you”. You changed my perspective about myself and beauty as a whole. I had expectations for you but you could never live up to them. Why can’t you look like those girls around me or the ones we see in the movies, I asked you constantly. I realize now that I put a lot of pressure on you. Slowly those sweet treats turned into a mouth full of air and a gag in the mouth. As the sink stayed on, my pain was dripping like the left over water that was left on my skin. I couldn’t bare the sight of you. Broken mirrors were all I saw when I came to look at you. Your sight made me weary and anxious, even the thought of seeing you left me in an epitome of fear. All those words and scars left my mind fading away in a labyrinth.
I know there were days when I neglected you and left you with nothingness, but I was hoping it was for the best and it would make me love and appreciate you. All those diets and days on the floor with tired out energy, were all for you. So you could go out and wear those tight skinned dresses, and all that those pretty clothes you see on those websites without any worries or insecurities holding you down. I’m sorry for those sharp blades touching your skin and all those times where I almost left you. I just couldn’t be with you anymore. Those times were a left you in discomfort and unfamiliar touches were from the times I did nothing but abuse you.
Things got better, but in toxic ways and I realize that now. Though the words left, the voices seemed to stay. When everything should’ve been okay and we could’ve gone back to normal, I still couldn’t adjust to that sense or normality. You still remained to be that monster I’d see painted in my eyes. Reminders of all those sleepless and wet nights just prevented me from ever seeing you in a different light.
Despite all that’s happened, those voices seemed to dial down and I found myself in you again. Those threads that almost let you slip, now tie around perfectly like they should. Sure you don’t look like those girls, or how everyone thinks you should look like, I taught myself how to appreciate and love you. I found comfort in your scars and marks, your squishy layers and your baggage. Some days are difficult to look at, but most ones replace and fix the broken pieces step by step. I’d like to tell you how appreciative I am of having you – for still staying whole through all those painful days and broken nights. The days where I see you glowing and expressed are the days where I can finally look at you and smile.