Unlocking Closed Doors – Another Year, Still Queer

By: Anonymous 

Note: Queer is defined as strange or odd – queer is a reference (a label if you will) for people who are not binary. 

Life as an LGBT Egyptian is never easy. You can’t come out or you’ll be hated, you can’t stay in the closet or you won’t feel true to yourself, and you can’t support your community or you’ll be thrown in jail. The worst thing about it is the agonizing feeling of loneliness. Feeling as if nobody can understand you. The torturing feeling that haunts you at 3 am reminding you that you’re alone and no one will ever understand your struggle. Well I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone and will never be.

 

I know how it feels to watch your friends get together and date people and think that will never happen to you. I know the feeling of loneliness when you watch happy gay couples on the internet and thinking that will never be you. I know the feeling of entrapment. As if you’re a caged bird not only stuck in a cage but chained to the ground and hanging from the ceiling is the key; trying to reach the top, but every time you’re close enough the chains drag you down again. The never ending cycle of trying to free yourself always results in failing, tears, and swearing that you’ll never try again. The scars those chains left on you are permanent, whether they were verbal, physical, or cyber.

 

Today is the first day of pride month. When I went on social media I saw people raising the flag and having the best time of their lives and at that moment I’ve never felt lonelier. I felt like I shouldn’t feel that way. I was scolding myself because I knew what will happen next. The cycle is about to start all over again. I’ll try to get away from these chains, and if I’m lucky enough maybe just maybe I’ll reach the top and free myself, but that never happens.

 

The struggle will continue on for a few more weeks and will leave me sobbing tears of agony and screeching for help, until my throat is dry and my vocal cords are damaged. The only thing that makes me sink to the bottom with a heavy heart filled with emptiness is the loneliness. The only thought that runs through my head is ‘if i free myself, what will happen next?’ what will my next cage be? Will it be more difficult? Will I ever escape? Will I ever be happy? Will I find someone who understands me?

 

Today was the first day of pride month. I’m trying to swallow down the excitement. It’s just another day, right? I guess not. The feeling of happiness is slithering it’s way into my heart. I feel like I’m drunk on happiness; high and no one and nothing can ever drag me down. The only thing that sobers me up are the thoughts in my head. The cage. The questions. The dread. Those three things are enough to drown out my happiness.

 

For many years I thought I was the only one. Everyone I knew was “normal”, except me. I’ve dug my way so deep into the closet that I’ve actually reached Narnia. The things that I consider normal are non existent. The never ending cold I feel has became something normal to be. I’ve become used to the cold. The hate, the insults, the misunderstanding and the rumours have broken me down and built me up all over again. Each time I think my skin is thick enough and nothing will hurt me, one word shatters me and destroys me. Leaves me thinking if I should continue being this way. Is it worth it? The pain and the suffering. Are they worth me being true to myself?

 

Yes they are. So many times I’ve prayed to God to make me normal. To make me cis and straight. I’ve shed many tears and prayed many times in hope for forgiveness. Hope that He will bless my soul and make me normal. Until I figured out that that will never happen, because I’m already normal. I’m not gonna say I was born to be different, because there’s nothing different about me. I’m human, I love who I love, I am who I am, and I’m blessed. At this point of my life I thank God for being this way and thank Him for his blessings. The dysphoria and the hate are a pain in the ass, but as long as I’m true to myself I can try to go to sleep peacefully at night.

 

I hope to God that happens to you too. Smile and laugh through the pain and suffering, because you’re normal. You’re a blessing and you’re going to be okay.

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