I Lost You

By: Zeinah Hesham

My beating heart was racing , my palms were clammy , my stomach was in unbearable and indescribable pain and my legs were shaking. Those were all signs of panic and fear.

Those conditions are way too familiar for me to shrug it off and move on with my life , mostly because I couldn’t think about anything else except for that pain in my stomach and I couldn’t put my attention on anything that was remotely happy and normal.

It isn’t the first time that I’ve experienced something like it and deep down I knew that it wouldn’t be the last.

It’s not a panic attack , I know.

Perhaps it’s anxiety?

I stopped trying to find a solution for this question a long time ago – I simply gave up.

I lost you and my reaction to this loss wasn’t like anything I’ve ever experienced or anything I imagined. I’ve completely lost you and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know where to find you and I don’t know what to do to get you back.

I looked at old images of you and smiled at how much you’ve changed throughout all of those beautiful and painful years. Your body was smaller and your smile was wider – possibly because it was hiding all of those secrets.

If you caught it at the right moment , you can recognise the happiness that you experienced and the bliss that you have given everyone else around you.

I miss this person.

I miss the loud laughs.

I miss the lingering smiles after long laughs at stupid jokes and the painful smile after when someone makes fun of you looking “ugly”.

You used to be so happy and full of life but maybe that was a lie. Recently you’ve radiated confidence and happiness and positivity but maybe the happiness was nothing but a mere trick to stop everyone around you from second guessing your demeanour.

I’ve seen you cry more as of recently which used to be unusual but maybe that’s a sign that I never knew you at all and maybe no one else did and no one else ever will because of the plastic cover over that book of yours that you call your personality and life.

Maybe it’s the heartbreak that you’ve experienced. Maybe it’s the sadness that has been injected into you with a gold syringe. Maybe it was just a way that you were meant to be and now you look no better than a worn out metal cellar in snow.

I’ve lost you forever and I don’t know who to blame.

It’s like life and death were playing Russian Roulette with your heart and mind. It comes to mind that life comes and goes but death is always around – death has never lost.

I think everyone has been confused in this entry , did you think that this was about him? Her? You?

Think again.

Think about the antonyms.

This entry is nothing but a mere lost flyer , looking for one lost person.

Myself .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.