I’ve always had a kind of risqué reputation, I’ve always been that “secret slut”, and I’ve always been given these looks of distaste, as if people think I am something far beneath them. “Sharmoota” is a word that haunts me wherever I go and for the longest time I thought I did something or said something ethically or religiously wrong, but as a human being I hate other human beings touching me unless I’ve allowed them into my personal space – something very little people know about me, I become either very very very violent or very very very tearful when anyone suddenly invades this bubble I create around myself. The story is quite long but I will spare you the details and I’ll summarize. I fell in love with the wrong guy, did anything happen? hell no, victims of abuse either hate touch or crave it, but I’m the former not the latter.
It all started when I was six, I’d be reading a book and not playing with my friends, at 12 I had finished the Harry Potter series twice and read countless novels, by 15 I had read every single must read classic of modern history, and today? I read full Volumes of theories on Sexuality, Gender, the Subconscious, Systems of Power, and History. I cannot go a single day without reading at least 50 pages of something, and I don’t just read things in English, but Arabic and occasionally French as well. What’s that got to do with anything? It shows how much of a curious individual I am, I love to know everything about everything and I never see something from one angle, I address them all and respect them all – so long as they’re based on something substantial. I had the sex talk at 9, much younger than most people in Egypt learn it, I was disgusted just like any kid till I was 13, then the subject suddenly became fascinating. I’d read anything and everything about sexuality, suddenly realizing that it’s a huge subject that includes so many eye opening ideas.
Long story short, obviously sharing whatever I read was stupid, especially at that age, today I can freely talk about it, but the reputation built by kids then is still haunting me to this day. It used to hurt to the point where I’d go to school with red puffy eyes and swollen lips only to be sent to the counselor straight away. I was dragged through hell and back and dragged again and back and I still do occasionally get thrown into some insane situation that I had nothing to do with. I have scars that still won’t leave my body no matter how much scarring cream I use that are a testimony as to how much pain that caused me. I’d meet people and once they learned my name I’d receive this look of pure and undisguised disgust that I’d die on the inside. People who’ve never talked to me, say shit about me. People who’ve never met me, say shit about me. People who I’ve proven wrong say shit about me. I thought I was the only girl to ever be called “sharmoota” but I discovered that almost every girl I know has been victim of this word and many others at least once in her lifetime.
So today, I’m here to tell you that it still haunts me, it still affects me sometimes – it did today, and it still makes me want to scream to the world that I’m not this person. I’m also here to tell you that they’re all retards – I swear. What they say about you – your “som3a” – doesn’t speak for your identity or character but theirs, because who you are is your character, your reputation is just who people think you are and trust me, the haters and nay sayers never fucking go away, actually the more you fight back and rise above them and their bullshit the harder they try to pull you down by saying crap about you and bringing up past mistakes. Please, be strong enough to flip em your middle finger like a bloody queen and maybe try to find it in yourself to pity them, because it’s just a sign that they have absolutely nothing better to do but talk about you 🙂 Personally, I think you should be flattered.
Also, point two is: don’t you dare ever be ashamed of your sexuality, don’t you dare ever allow them to make you feel like your curiosity is a crime, and don’t you dare ever dim your own light, because then they’ll shine brighter than you. So here I am saying it for the first time in my life, I’m proud to be a strong, sexual, sensual, and scandalous woman, I’ll never be ashamed of my needs and desires, and I’ll always rise above your claims. I am not my reputation and neither are you.