People usually tell me how painful it is when they throw up and how bad they feel whilst throwing up, but I never really understood because I threw up all the time – to the point where it became a normal daily act like breathing. I got used to it, of course that wasn’t the best thing to get used to, but we all fall into different patterns of behavior to cope with the cruel expectations of society and even worse, our own expectations of ourselves. So yeah, I was Bulimic.
Was? Did I say was? I wouldn’t consider myself to still be bulimic, but I do fall into the same behavioral pattern every once in a while. So I’m currently semi-bulimic. Bulimia is an eating disorder, one that combines binge eating and anorexia, not exactly but in some ways. So basically if you’re bulimic you eat your heart out but you feel so guilty and you get terrified of gaining weight that you intentionally throw up, or you take laxatives to empty your stomach.
I’m not going to lie, I’m not considered “fat”, and according to my BMI I’m normal, but I don’t feel normal. No matter how many people say that I look good, that my body is perfect the way it is, that I shouldn’t lose any more weight, I always hear this voice in the back of my head, repeating words an old friend once told me long ago, maybe it was a joke back then and maybe she never meant it, but she’ll never know how those words impacted my entire life. She said “If I didn’t know you, I would think you were pregnant”, I’ll never forget these words, and I don’t blame her for saying them, yes I do gain weight from the area of my stomach, but I wasn’t fat, and I didn’t look pregnant. But now, every time I look in the mirror, I just stand and stare, I try to find one thing I love about my body, but nothing, not one part I can actually say I like.
I woke up everyday and weighed myself, if I didn’t lose any weight I’d get depressed and eat like I’ve been starving, and then I’d panic because everything I just ate would make me more fat, so I’d just throw it all up. I’ve gotten so used to it that I currently can make myself vomit without using my fingers, my skin is horrible because of my lack of nutrition, and I still can’t stand the sight of my body. But I’m growing, and if you’re struggling with bulimia you should grow out of it too. It’ll take time, it’ll be painful, eating that burger and not throwing it up might drive you crazy, but you will grow, you will be more than just a combination of bones, fat, and muscle.
Its okay to still be dissatisfied with your own body, as long as you’re working on it in a healthy way. Maybe it’s working out, maybe its eating healthier options, or maybe its just accepting who you are as is. Its really important to know that people say things they might not mean and it will hurt, but your job is to use that pain and grow. Today, I am proud to say, I can eat and entire pizza without throwing it up, but I do workout, and I do eat as much healthy food as I can. I grew out of it, and so can you.