(In)Sanity

By: Hanna Haitham

Calm, stay calm, don’t cry, don’t break under pressure, toughen up, don’t bend , don’t show your weakness, strong, stay strong don’t show signs of hesitation, crack…..

That crack was after I stepped past the edge of sanity and decided to go cliff diving, diving straight into insanity, buying a one way ticket to insanity, losing myself in insanity.

because sanity is too much to handle, too hard to maintain, too easy to lose control of, and even easier to let go of.

The things I used to say to keep myself sane, to keep myself fueled enough to keep going forward, the tricks i used to play on my mind to get it to sleep at night, the voices that tell me to let go, the sound of my soul dying a little inside everyday were all like kryptonite to me, and I lost myself in it.

I lost myself in the words, lost myself to my mind, I surrendered to my thoughts and followed them blindly, not stopping to look, or to ask, or to even answer, not stopping to question, to hear, to wonder, how did I get here?  

How long did it take for me to build myself up, and it only took seconds to break me down, into this insane pile of mess and ashes, ashes as a reminder of a person who once was, but isn’t anymore, I’m left with the ghost of my troubles, and I wish I could go back, I’m on the verge of (in)sanity.

 

Moral: sanity and insanity are separated only by a leap or a dive. I guess we find ourselves there at one time during our lives, it’s inescapable, surrendering to your inner thoughts of craziness, we wish we could all go back but we’re either on the verge or – already – too far gone.

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