On Losing Him

By: Hanna Haitham 

I look at the photos, or at least what remains of them. I look at the broken glass and i watch as the blood slowly starts to drip onto his face smearing it, and i curse silently at his ability to hurt me when he’s not around, it’s his specialty.

I look at the cologne bottle on the floor, i bought it for him but know i’m about ready to burn it along with all of his hoodies. When i touch the familiar fabric to my hands, blood drops onto them. Silently reminding me that it’s tainted, this, my past, my present, even my future, because of little lies that I made truths which i allowed to weave a web of disappointment around my heart, shattering my mind in the process.

I look at my phone and wonder who to call? I see my friends contacts and i second guess dialing because they will remind me of the times i chose him over them. That reminds me of the times i chose him over studies, him over my parents, and eventually him over me.

So I close my phone and I flop onto my bed, thinking about how i got here? How I gave up a scholarship halfway across the world to be with him? How i left my friends and family numerous times to see him? How i favored him over myself? We talked about a future but now all i see is a tainted past, a shitty present, and a blurry future, if there even is one.

I guess I only have myself to blame, when it came down to me and his career he chose his career, but i would’ve chose him because i always do. My priorities were off, but that’s because it was only one priority, him, and now i have nothing to fill the void that is in my life with him gone.

I think about my options, suicide? Too easy, depression? Too insane, oblivion? I can’t be forgotten – not yet anyway.  I look down at my bloody hand and I shed two tears, they will be the last I will cry for him.  I bandage myself, wrapping the fabric around my hands, feeling my soul heal just a bit.

I read a quote that says “ you can’t find yourself when you’re lost in someone else” and I used to think that i’m not lost in him because he was me. But now I know that i lost myself in him and he took both and left me.

Now I try to piece my life back together because it’s about as broken as the picture frame. I’m still going to follow my dreams, I’m going to work hard to make up for all the lost time and love I gave to someone who was not worthy of either.

I guess I’ll never get back that part of my soul and heart. But as humans we leave pieces in everything we love and I left a piece of me in him in the hopes that one day I will love so many people and things in life I won’t have any pieces left to give.

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