I’m a girl, and I have a confession to make.
I was never normal , I never was and never will be.
The truth is I like girls, the same exact way that I like boys maybe even a little bit more and even though I am not ashamed but I cannot deny that I’m scared – I am terrified of my fate.
I’m scared that I will fall so deeply in love with a girl that I cannot breathe without her, I’m scared that I cannot go a day without thinking about her and I am absolutely petrified that I will live in denial about it because of the society that I was raised in.
We are raised into growing up to be straight – gay is most probably not even an option in most cases and if you are you would either be living in fear or denial.
I live in a world where I’m encouraged to be something I’m not just because it’s not accepted or because it is forbidden and is possibly a sin.
Tell me , when exactly did it become a sin to be who I am?
When did it become a choice for me to like whomever I like?
Did you choose your parents? Your siblings? Your eyes? Your face? Your skin colour? Your sexual orientation?
Did you choose to be straight?
I was born to like both sexes and I have no choice but to suppress those feelings that might not be directed to a man and if I don’t, there will be countless consequences in this current life, in another life perhaps or in an afterlife – I do not have a choice in whether I have a decent life or not because my god made me a certain way.
In what world would your god make a so-called mistake? Millions and Millions of times might I add. And in what way did it become valid for you to judge me for it? Judging god’s creation because it does not match your understanding of ‘normal’ or of what god wants?
I am stripped from every single right I have to be free because you don’t believe that I’m normal. You could call me mentally ill if you want – as if people treat the mentally ill any better.
I walk through life every day , terrified that I might get put into jail or that my friends might look at me differently or that my family would disown me because I am not the girl that they thought I was.
Daily, I am terrified that someday I’m just gonna get kicked to the curb because of the way that I was created and trust me – if I had a choice I’d be straight. So tell me, my intellectual equal – why exactly would I be so terrified and scared every single day of falling for a person that has the same parts as me – if I had a choice?
Even though I truly wish that I could solve this problem , I only have one thing left to say and that is I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to my friends who might think that I like every single one of them just because I like girls and boys.
I’m sorry to the creator of this world for being such a huge mistake and being one of the few ones that go to hell because of that.
I’m sorry to my family that wanted nothing but a normal girl – I apologize so much for being everything you wanted and then took it away because of my sexual orientation, I’m sorry for being such a disgrace to you and not being able to give you the wedding that you’ve always wanted.
I’m sorry to the girl I fell in love with, I’m sorry that we could not be together because God took you away. I’m sorry that you can’t be here with me. You couldn’t be here to see how proud I wanted to make you, you’re not here to get those good morning texts and late night calls to talk about nothing. I’m sorry you weren’t here through my phases. I’m sorry you weren’t here to see how much I’ve grown. I’m so sorry you weren’t here to get the forehead kisses , the long hugs , the cuddles at night or the flowers that could never compare to your beauty and I’m sorry I can’t tell you how your eyes and smile made me feel. I’m so fucking sorry that you’re not here.
And most importantly I’m sorry to myself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give you the free state of mind that you wanted. I’m sorry for having another reason as to why I could be secretly scared and weak. I’m so fucking sorry for making you cry so much over something that I know you can’t control.
But other than my apologies, I’m hopeful.
I’m hoping that one day , I will fall in love with someone who makes me forget about my tears and tells me that it’s okay to be who I am no matter if it’s a boy or a girl. But until then I will not apologize again for being who I am, I will be myself and see where it takes me and that’s what I owe to myself and those who loathe my existence.