She always thought she was this strong girl no one could hurt, as strong as an ox aw ‘bent be 100 ragel’. She saw all my friends getting hurt by boys who did nothing but fuck with their feelings, and of course, she helped them through their toughest times, cheered them up and tried to give them as much emotional support as she could. Deep down though, she knew she would never feel they way they’re feeling. She’s never going to experience that. She’s never going to experience being ‘heartbroken’. She always wondered if you could actually feel physical pain in your heart or is it what you call yourself when you love someone so much, but that person rejects your love for someone else. She was clueless – obviously because she hasn’t experienced that before. She knew that no matter how many boys she get to know, none of them will ever be able to emotionally destroy her. She thought she was much stronger than that. The girl who would let you do anything and everything but never allow you to break her or even bring sadness to her life. She wasn’t that girl who needs a guy, but the girl a guy needs.
She lowkey didn’t wanna fall in love. Why? Easy. She didn’t want my happiness to depend on whether a person gives her their attention or not. She didn’t want to stay up late wondering if he’s thinking about her. She didn’t want to cry over someone who may not care. She didn’t want to stare at her phone screen waiting for a text. Most importantly, she didn’t want to give anyone the power to destroy her. She basically wanted to be emotionally independent. And she was. But not for long.
She slowly started falling in love. She fell. She fell and she didn’t get up. The strong, tough girl isn’t so strong anymore. She followed her heart. She followed it for the very first time. She let someone break her into a million pieces and blow them away in the wind like fallen leaves. He broke her like she was one of his fucking promises. She thinks she now knows how it feels to be heartbroken. It’s constant pain, a discomfort that never leaves you, you struggle with it all day. It is sickness in your throat and a knot in your stomach. It is when eating becomes a battle that depression and sadness always win and falling asleep is nigh impossible. It is definitely something she didn’t want to experience again. To him, she was just a challenge – to make this cold-hearted girl fall in love with him.
The problem is, she was nothing more than a challenge. He tried hard to get her. Not wanting to fall in love, she refused not once, but twice. He insisted. She fell for him. She thought he wouldn’t have even tried that hard in the first place if she wasn’t such a strong and independent girl. Is it her fault then? Is it her fault that she remained strong for too long and “made boys want her” even more? She never cried before, she now did though. She cried. Not because she’s become “weak”, rather because she’s been strong for too long. The biggest mistake she did was letting her happiness depend on something/someone she might lose, and lost she did. She didn’t deserve that.
We all have that one person we loved with all our heart but they threw it all down the drain and fucked us up in the process. We end up heartbroken, depressed, stuck in bed, wanting nothing in the whole world but having him back. Well, let me tell you something, it is partially our fault not just theirs. How? We gave them enough power to destroy us. We let our happiness depend on their presence. We should love ourselves to the point, where no one can take our happiness away, they won’t even have enough power to do so. And who said you shouldn’t fall in love in order to remain strong and emotionally independent? Love is necessary, it’s what helps us survive and gives us a feeling of security and support. It is healthy as long as you don’t let it control you and your actions. It is healthy as long as you love yourself more than you love anyone else.